Thanks for the reply, AS - I really need to learn fast here and any/all advice is welcome.
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Rooney, here is the problem- you are behaving like the two of you are still married, she is behaving like you are already divorced. She is closer to right than you are. Most WAS's consider the marriage done at BD. Most LBS's are already divorced at that point (at least spiritually), but continue to live in denial for months or even years. You can't control whether she has a drink at lunch and as far as she is concerned it's none of your business. Unless she is coming home sloppy drunk and it's affecting her motherly duties then it shouldn't be on your radar.
I know I need to let go yesterday. I need to stop playing stupid detective as it will send me crazy and also damage any chance of R.
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Only you can answer that. If you know she's having an A then are you done with the M? Ready to file D immediately? Or would you keep on DB'ing? If you would keep DB'ing then assume the worst and continue on. If you would file for D then go ahead and hire a PI and find out for sure.
I would keep DBing. At the moment, I think this process is something I need to go through regardless of MR and possible A. Maybe that will change further down the line.
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That's how your W feels right now
Hard to hear, but I know I have to take this and it is partly my fault that I am where I am.
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That needs to stop. She can tell she's being cross-examined, and that's not helping
Yes, it needs to stop. For my own sanity at least, I must detach.
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Listen and validate. It matters to her, if it didn't she wouldn't have mentioned it. "You've gained some weight, how does that make you feel?" When you say "it doesn't matter" you are invalidating her feelings.
Thank you. I hadn’t even realised it until you mentioned it here.
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Those are wimpy rubber-stamp validation statements, and that last one is not validation at all
I really need help with validation, I’m new to it and the pathetic attempts are pretty much my first. No idea where the last one came from but it does comes across like I’m agreeing with her rather than validating. I’m a fixer, always have been, it’s in my nature. It’s funny because my dad often does it to me when I speak to him about stuff - he immediately tries to help fix stuff when all I want him to do is listen - I don’t want him to try and fix it. It just comes across like he isn’t listening.
It would be interesting to know what you’d have said to validate and whether it now just comes naturally or whether you still have to work on it.
