Persistent Endurance (Part 3)

[curtis7]

Curtis, you are clearly a romantic at heart and I think that's great. But that list is filled with NEED, and you do not NEED someone else to have a complete and fulfilled life. Now you may WANT someone to share that life with and that is fine. But needing someone to "complete you" is extremely unhealthy.

I really do hope that in time your W comes to appreciate you again. But right here, right now, she doesn't. She doesn't want anything to do with you, and you have got to respect that. You clearly love your wife, so I am going to challenge you to present her the ultimate show of true love- let her go. Quit the pursuit, quit the physical touches, quit finding reasons to help her and constantly get yourself in front of her. Those things are all about what YOU want. If you love her then you will set YOUR needs aside and fulfill HER needs, and right now her greatest needs are TIME and SPACE away from you. Do you think you can do that?

I do want her, I’ve always wanted her. Although, two months of physical separation has shown me that I don’t need her. I can be a happy single dad, but I want more. I have a great life that from my POV is only lacking in one area and that’s a partner to give and receive love. My preference is for that void to be filled by the only woman I’ve ever loved and is the mother of my children. I have always valued a strong, loving family unit (father and mother, not father and OW) highly and want that for myself and my children. This is a main reason I choose to continue DBing.

I respect that she wants nothing to do with me other than co-parent right now. I have made drastic improvements with TIME and SPACE since BD. In the first couple months, I pursued and pressured almost daily. This scaled back to about every 3 days in January, a week or more in February, and several weeks at a time since March. I think not stopping her from moving out was giving her space. I am trying to remove myself from being in front of her. I do and have slipped up from impulsive reactions or triggers.

You ask if I can give her time and space? My honest answer is I don’t know. I can in stretches, I just don’t know how much more time I can give her without my wants being addressed. I find it helpful to establish short-term milestones to give her time and space, then once that date is met, establishing a new target. For instance, move out in early April to my birthday last week, now through California vacation with the kids at the end of June, then anniversary in late August. If I can continue to focus on leaving her alone over these shorter periods, then over time it will accumulate to long-term time and space that she needs.

Thanks AS!!