Growing Pains(LB55 thread 4)

[LB55]

I'm confused, this is placing responsibility on me for communicating again. Her message to me did not in any way acknowledge my feelings or desire to improve communication between us. Total invalidation.

Validation is a one-way street. It's something you do, not something you receive (unless you are very lucky). I validate coworkers, my boss, my girlfriend, my kids, my XW. I get a little bit of validation back now and then, it happens so rarely that I'm usually like "wow!" Validation is an unusual skill, so don't be surprised not to get it back because most people just don't know how.

I'm interested to hear some thoughts on handling this in a healthy way. My goal is good healthy communication. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall right now. This is likely because I'm still emotionally attached in every way. I really want the closure that will never come. She can affect my mood in every word. In person is especially hard. I want to ask so badly what the F she is thinking and how blowing up our family for selfish reasons is right in her mind. I won't but I want to.

Your goal for now should just be strictly business communications. Limit your discussions to the kids. Only discuss D or financial issues if absolutely necessary. Do not talk about anything else. Maybe in time, but for now keep away from all other subjects.

Also work on letting go of your need to know "why" this happened. You will never know, because she probably doesn't know either. She's acting on emotions and she can't explain her emotions. Neither can you, and neither can a college full of tenured psychologists. I understand how frustrating that is, believe me we ALL get it! We ALL want/ wanted to know "why". It wouldn't change anything to know, but I guess it's just human nature that we crave some kind of explanation.

Validation is a one way street. That's a good way to put it. I am not necessarily looking for it to be returned from W, however I am aware of when someone does it now for me and for others. I'm paying attention now. I'd love to get some back from her. I know that wont happen though, because this is all about her. I can see how my statement would elude to my looking for validation, but that wasn't my intent.

The why is a thing I need to let go of. Its so hard for us analytical types. I cant fix things when I don't understand the cause of failure. I know its not my job to fix the marriage, and its not my job to fix her. I'm working on fixing myself, and I've seen that improvement. Hard to focus on just what I can control sometimes. I need to keep working on that aspect of my life.

I can't help this constant gut feeling I've got that this is about punishment of me in her mind. Once she feels she has proven her point and I'm shown who is in charge, she will stand down the assault. In my opinion, she doesn't want to simply get divorced, or she would be plowing forward and interested in getting the legal stuff done. She isn't at all interested in that end of it. W Says we can't rush through this in order to ensure we don't screw it up. I feel that when she is done punishing me for my past transgressions and her anger is satisfied, she will want to move forward as the one who was right and the one that deserves credit for giving our M another chance and fixing our relationship. This is the sweeping it under the rug portion that everyone says to watch out for.

I'm not sure I'm strong enough to make that decision for me right now. I would just say yes to R to get some semblance of normality and comfort back in my life, and I know that isn't the right answer from reading on here. I wasn't a good communicator in our marriage, but I know my W really well, and I know her behavior patterns like the back of my hand. Especially with all this time to think through things and analyze the past issues we have both contributed to. I could see the writing on the wall months ago that she was going to ask for all 3 of our homes in exchange for not taking part of my military retirement. She informally told me that she is going to ask for that exact thing 3 weeks ago.