Always want to thank those folks who are new to replying to my sitch...
TBSakaJ9 - Yes, I imagine once all is done and settled the desire on her part to be friends with me she would see as essentials to validate herself as still being a good person. I'll never say never, but for now I'm very much in the place that you are with your XW. I believe that a cordial, respectful relationship with her is essential and appropriate in order for us to effectively co-parent our D4. My hope is that with time that will her belief as well. It is hard though against the feeling of "she asked for this, good riddance" but I guess that's what makes forgiveness very difficult for many people.
FlySolo - My IC has always told me exactly what you just wrote. I've heard how very important is for her that we be friends and she has expressed how she "is a good person". Thing is post-BD she is actually worse now than she was immediately at BD and we are well past a year. Perhaps the D being final will be the "settling" for her. When it's final and I'm gone, where then does her pain/insecurity and projection go? Obviously not mine to be concerned with, but it is something I wonder about.
It's very hard to validate her. Primarily because we are mostly completely silent but for a few exchanges regarding our D4. No phone and in 15 months we've been physically together less than 1 hour. For now it's OK and leave her be. Until such time as she's gotten through whatever process/path she needs to go through and is desiring of a more substantial coparent relationship, that is likely as far as we will go.
Nicole - The answer is no. Did I get lots of fragments of reasons, some valid, some crazy...yep I did. I think her avoidance of me and my need to save myself along with AS's words about likely never really knowing because likely she doesn't even know herself caused me to just drop it as a concern months ago. No more than a person can explain the sudden passing of a loved one, it just happened and all that was truly available to me was moving on. Again, maybe in time someday I can approach that with her, but as I've provided as recently as this past week where I'm still getting "I'm done"/her acting as if I'm still trying to R with her and she's trying to hurt me, it's gonna be a while.
