If you can't beat em, cheat em (thread 2)

[oops13]

All of you have written so much, and I've only got a few minutes (GAL too effectively lately).

I dont know if there's much to say besides she's following the cheater's playbook to a T. I'm still being as strong of a person as I can, albeit imperfectly, while also keeping on the mask of ignorance (giving some affection, R talking some when she initiates which has only been once, saying "i love you too" if she says it first, doing a cake thing here or there like going out to eat). Shes loosening up some and putting on the show still. Perhaps there are echoes of truth but I dont let myself believe anything she says or does.

Our one R talk was initiated by her. I took the bait a little more than I should have. I held my composure. She again said I was a stranger (in the sexual context) because I've changed so much in good ways. I simply agreed. She says shes only worried about sex, leaning somewhat on me being a stranger - shes fine with me touching her, small kisses, hugs, cuddling, etc. but if it's sexual (e.g. if I have a boner) or deep making out kissing, boob touching, etc. she panics and feels fight or flight. I validated, told her I'd respect that boundary but that I'm aware it's the friend zone and I can't live that way. She said she was mad that I seem to be so happy and fine and strong and like this is all easy for me, while she is in pieces and a heap and needing psych help. I validated, assured her that it only looks easy for me because I chose to confront the situation and not let it kill me. She asked if I wanted her to move out, I told her no but I wouldn't stop her. She said she wanted to stay, wanted the marriage. I agreed and asked if she'd like to sleep in the spare bedroom in turn, she said no she doesn't want that either. She said she didn't want to make any big decisions until shes on medication, and that she didn't want to leave me with the burden of managing the house alone. I told her she has to do what she has to do. She said despite her "issues" I'm very attractive and would find someone immediately if we do split. I told her I didn't disagree, but that I meant my wedding vows and had never been interested in marriage before her, and the whole point of marriage and the vows is that we admit we're flawed and that we do. not. quit. The subject turned to one of our very old pets who needs to be put down soon. She didn't want to leave him while he needs us so much and didn't want to leave while he's still here in his last moments. At this point, thinking about my buddy, I started to cry. I held strong considering all that came before, but putting him down is going to be hard. I stayed strong through the tears too. She cuddled up against me and laid on my chest and we each candidly noted that we wished we'd realized that we couldn't bank on "being special" and that marriage was actually more work than we thought. We each said we never thought this would happen to us. We each said we loved each other, I let her go first every time though.

Obviously not perfect. I shouldn't have even engaged. But I'm not mad at myself, I'm still hanging tough day to day and talks are going to happen. If anything shes opening up more but again it might be manipulation.

We had a family even later that day she was invited to. She clung to me quite a bit and was touchy even. When she got in bed she cuddled up against me for a couple of hours (I didnt react). She grabbed and held my hand this morning when she could sense that I was thinking hard. I was thinking about how I wish she'd just move out but kept it to myself. Anger over the sexual rejection. Said she loved me a couple times this morning too.

Ive been mad and gone through every possible emotion. I still love her though. I miss her. I'd give anything for things to be different. I hate that I have to ride the middle ground of being a strong man that still gives her some cake right now.

I've gotten some attention from other women, but what's hard for me at this stage is mourning the death of an ideal. I think I've realized that a woman can never love me unconditionally, or the way I want to love and be loved. I will never be allowed to be my broken, weak self around someone. This woman adored me, and she lost interest because she lost respect, because I lost my mojo. The world is cruel everywhere. I thought love was the one exception. I thought I was safe with her, forever, I'd always have her. How wrong I was, and how wrong of me it would be to believe anything like the ideal we are sold can ever exist. She, like everyone else, is an opportunist. Vows don't mean [censored] once the feelings change. I love her and miss her, but this would be a lot harder if I thought this was just unique and what I thought I had existed. It just doesn't. I'm grieving my worldview and regrettably and painfully coming to accept a much emptier, depressing one.