Dad, I was thinking about your sitch on my drive into work. It reminds me of a lot of my own sitch. As I said above in my analogy of the car. After BD, 180ing on my W's complaints would have gotten me no where. Not that I didn't need 180s, I did. But suddenly becoming super attentive, and becoming Mr. Mom around the house would not have got me to where I wanted to be. The routine maintenance that would have worked prior to BD would no longer work. Changing the oil of a blown engine is a waste of time and oil.
However, I did institute the below, and I think they might pay dividends in your sitch too. I am a huge proponent of detachment (in a healthy marriage called "self differentiation", I would google that because it can help with understanding), GAL, and 180s. And those should be your focus because they focus on you not her. The temptation right now is to be hyper-focused on her, and that will just apply pressure to her and cause her to run even further away. But here some other things I learned and did:
1) Learn to be a good listner. Prior to BD I was a horrible listener. I, like you, had a ton of hobbies. And I was a huge sports fanatic. i wouldn't even look up from what I was doing no matter how important or serious the conversation she was trying to have was. And if she asked me to pause what I was watching or doing, I did so with a huge amount of attitude, sighing heavily, and making her feel like a huge interruption. After BD I came across some advice on active listening to my spouse and went like this: STOP what you are doing. TURN to her. MAKE eye contact with her. CONCENTRATE on what she is saying. STOP TURN MAKE CONCENTRATE. Learn that and remember it. Use it at every opportunity that she gives you from here on out. After I practiced this and got good at it, I got really good at pausing, muting, or better yet, turning off the TV to listen to her. Also, I would do the same with anything else I was doing. After all, nothing I could be watching or doing could be more important to me than her! And remembering that made it much easier to do.
2) Learn to empathize. I was watching Spiderman 3 this weekend. And there is a great scene where Mary Jane comes to Peter's apartment wanting to confide in him about a bad review a critic had written about her Broadway performance. Peter launched into typical guy "trying to fix it mode". What Mary Jane really wanted from him was for him to listen and empathize with how she was feeling. Around here we call it "validation". For me it was a struggle. I am a fix it guy. If she comes to me and says her step-sister was mean, I want to go into remediation mode. What I learned to do was SHUT-UP first (see #1)....LISTEN.......and VALIDATE. As guys we like to launch into advice, or telling them not feel what they are feeling, or how we would handle it. Most of the time our wives don't want that. That want to be HEARD and EMPATHIZED with. We have a thread here called The Validation Thread. Dad, have you read it? It goes along with the active listening technique very well. "Oh wow, I can understand how that would make you feel." Things like that. Do not fix. Do not advise. Do not tell her how you would handle it. Let her know you understand what she is going through.
3) Institute talk charges. This one is controversial because many see it as pressure and pursuit. But I think it can be done without pressuring or pursuing. Once a day, find something small to tell her. Something interesting. Or somthing funny. Or something she can relate to. Call her up and just go like this: "Hey, I was driving to work this morning and this news item came on the radio. Apparently if you mix 1 part apple cider vinegar to 1 part water, you can clean the dogs' ears with it and it will prevent ear infections! Thought that was a neat tip. Okay, talk to you later." and hang up. This can even be done on VOICEMAIL! When was the last time you did that to her? Just gave her a quick fact, or funny story, or something, and then hung up. Do not get into any thing logistical. Do not try to fix a problem for her. And certainly do not get into anything relationship oriented. But just keep it quick, fun, and then hang on. Continue to do this, and not only will she come to expect it, she will look forward to it. Eventually my W, who on BD wanted nothing to do with me, started reciprocating. I couldn't believe it. And believe it or not we started to connect over these "talk charges".
4) Optional: Touch charge. Similar to talk charges. As you pass her in the kitchen just lightly brush up against her. Maybe she is at the sink and you have to pass behind her, put your hand lightly on the small of her back and you scoot past. Be careful with this one. No sexual touching. Be discrete and subtle with these. And don't go out of your wait to create them, just as you get the opportunity.
In your sitch, be careful with that last one. My W was resistant to touch, but over time it slowly broke the ice.
Remember, avoid R talks like the plague. Obviously, never start one. If she starts one, listen (see #1!), validate. If she asks questions feel free to give her answer like "There is so much to consider, I am still thinking things over and needs some time to respond to that." Things like that. When there is no question, listen and validate. Validation is great because it isn't agreement. You aren't agreeing with what she is saying you are just letting her know you hear, and that you understand her perspective. That's it.
Dad, I know it seems dire. My sitch seemed dire too. But as I instituted self-improvements, once I did #1 and #2 at every opportunity I had, as I broke the ice with her with talk charges, and reintroduced my touch with touch charges that were subtle and discrete, she started to warm back up to me. I think you have a similar opportunity using a similar formula.
Steve,
Thank you so much for the thoughtful post. You are absolutely right with the car analogy. The car is totaled and I’m trying to give it a detail by helping out more. I also have not been a good listener. We had a good discussion yesterday when she brought up a difficult situation at her work. I listened intently and validated, also gave some advice but she did directly ask what I would do. I also asked for some advice on my upcoming job interview. We are still in a place where we can discuss stuff like that. She also likes to discuss the separation etc. so I have to do that too.
I’ll keep the touch stuff in mind too. That is the kind of minor affection that she would have loved previously. I’ll have to be very careful though as you said.
I’m also going to look in to a consult with an attorney.
