She said she would be a bit late as a meeting was dragging on at work. When she came back she had clearly had a drink. I confronted her she said no, I said she had, then she said it was at lunchtime. I know none of that means she was with OM, but it is looking like a possibility that I need to come to terms with and figure out the best course of action to take to both prove it and deal with it internally and in reality. At least, it is disrespectful.
Rooney, here is the problem- you are behaving like the two of you are still married, she is behaving like you are already divorced. She is closer to right than you are. Most WAS's consider the marriage done at BD. Most LBS's are already divorced at that point (at least spiritually), but continue to live in denial for months or even years. You can't control whether she has a drink at lunch and as far as she is concerned it's none of your business. Unless she is coming home sloppy drunk and it's affecting her motherly duties then it shouldn't be on your radar.
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I’d like proof so the thought of a PI on a few evenings when I have D9 should confirm one way or another. Is this worthwhile?
Only you can answer that. If you know she's having an A then are you done with the M? Ready to file D immediately? Or would you keep on DB'ing? If you would keep DB'ing then assume the worst and continue on. If you would file for D then go ahead and hire a PI and find out for sure.
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Read - No More Mr Nice Guy is ordered today, so is DR. Any other book recommendations welcome.
Married Man Sex Life Primer. Available electronically. Good info on apha versus beta behavior although somewhat of a crude read for the more sensitive out there!
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A kiss when arriving and with a hug when leaving...so far from detached and it comes across as desperate and needy pursuit. The most I should do is a peck on the cheek and even that may be too much at this stage.
Correct and yes, even a peck is too much. Think of someone you can't stand to the point of being repulsed by the sight of them. Would you like that person coming in for a kiss and hug every time you saw them? That's how your W feels right now.
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I am also asking too many questions about her and how and what she is doing. A lot of this comes from trying to catch her lies about where and what she is doing.
That needs to stop. She can tell she's being cross-examined, and that's not helping.
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I don’t know how to detach when I am trying to figure out the extent of her lying.
Detachment is understanding your M is done for now and that her lying simply doesn't matter. You live your life and you let her live hers, even if she's living a pack of lies. It needs to cease to be your concern.
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Maybe detachment is to go past caring what the hell she doing and how she can justify it to herself
Yes, that is in part exactly what it is.
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She told me she is putting on weight and she is the heaviest she has ever been, I said it didn’t matter, then I get ‘you’ve been telling me I’m fat for 10 years stop saying it doesn’t matter’.
Listen and validate. It matters to her, if it didn't she wouldn't have mentioned it. "You've gained some weight, how does that make you feel?" When you say "it doesn't matter" you are invalidating her feelings.
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I tried to validate as much as possible - ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’, ‘I understand that you feel this way’, ‘I cannot change the past’.
Those are wimpy rubber-stamp validation statements, and that last one is not validation at all.
