W back today with the kids. I tried being super positive (bit of a 180) but no discernible change. No emotional connection.
The topic du jour is: Emotional Abandonment
My wife has emotionally abandoned me. There is no connection, no concern about how I am feeling, how my day went, anything. I am not particularly angry or upset about this, just observing it as a fact. I can't do it forever, but it is what it is.
This explains why I feel things are toxic, and why we are not communicating. I am working SO hard to meet my own needs, to be more balanced emotionally, and not look to W to meet my needs. I am really happy about this progress regardless of what it means to my M.
I am willing to set aside my R needs for the moment if I can get my W back on track to working on this M.
I see 3 main contributing factors to my W's emotional abandonment:
1. Unforgiveness for past hurts
- When I wrote my "April Letters," they were over-the-top. I detailed many past hurts, I expressed remorse, I tried to place myself in W's shoes to understand how she felt. I asked her to share her feelings if she felt safe. I said I was not ready to ask for forgiveness yet, as I had not forgiven myself. No feedback from W whether she forgives me. Actually no feedback at all. Perhaps I need to ask for forgiveness explicitly?
2. Unmet needs
- The disruption of moving 2 years ago, turning my W into SAHM instead of having her part-time career, combined with issues around housekeeping and childcare, have done a number.
- W also has an issue (covered during MC1 in 2018) expressing her needs. She instead tends to build up resentment that I am not aware of the needs, that she shouldn't need to ask.
3. Unwillingness to talk
- Self-evident
Here's the plain facts:
- (1) W says ZIP about the letters - (2) W gets upset now when I do meet needs that I previously did not meet. - (3) W is showing no sign of wanting to talk about the M or work on it. MC in July sounds far off even today. I don't buy it.
So how does one approach this situation?
A. DB. R's are 50/50, I should not fall all over myself trying to fix everything on my own.
B. Try to get W to open up and communicate, so I can better understand the hurts (#1) and the needs (#2). Communication shows that I care, and also provides me feedback which I am sorely lacking from W. Somebody needs to break through this brick wall or we are finished.
