So so new to this :(

[DnJ]

Hello Nyla

Like job said. Sit down with your kids and explain that honesty is the best policy. Ensure them that they can always tell you the truth, no matter what. Kids know right from wrong, know proper, moral, and just. However, the MLCer usually becomes a terrible parent, and kids need a guide, and assurance what is correct. It is pretty difficult for a 10, 12, or 14 year old to go against their parent on a fundamental level.

I think you explaining Dad’s behaviour to them, in a way they are comfortable with, is a good idea. It allows them to understand and accept what he is doing, and accept that they do not have to go along with it. Acceptance is not condoning. They just interact (or not) with the person in front them, the person who Dad is at the moment.

Your daughters are already angry with Dad, and son knows it is wrong to lie. Let them work through their emotions. You being the stable parent will get some extra venting directed at you. They really can’t vent at Dad. It’s ok, they need to get it out.

As for my ring. I do love the look of it, and miss wearing it. Thick gold with 11 diamonds. I never painted my nails, so I can’t really say if that works or not - I’ll have to take Yail’s statement as fact.

In my profession I don’t wear jewelry. Gold and precious metals are pretty darn conductive, not a good thing with electricity, rings and watches turn red hot in seconds. They are also quite the entanglement hazard. So, I placed my ring in the storage container on my dresser. I tried it on a few times over the past 21 months, seeing how it still shined and glimmered in the sun, but never actually wore it. When I took down the pictures around the house, I put my ring away too.

First boundary. We will not be intimate with each other (unless you’re committed to working on our marriage ) Add the marriage part or not? Or I was thinking about saying the I feel that it is disrespectful toward everyone when we are intimate and he’s not willing to work on our marriage. Any suggestions how to word this are appreciated.

I would not add anything about until you’re committed to working on our marriage. It puts you on a shelf for him. Shows him you are waiting for him, content as Plan B. You are not Plan B!!!

Also MLCer have minds like Swiss cheese, full of holes. They really do have short attention spans and cannot remember what they are supposed to do. With this mind, your statement is a little to convoluted for him, not direct enough. The other idea - I feel that it is disrespectful toward everyone when we are intimate and you’re not willing to work on our marriage - similarly too much for his addled brain.

It should be something direct and current to him and his behaviour that you don’t want.

H, you have a girlfriend. You are not having sex with me.

I agree with peacetoday, have your conversations in a public place. And you don’t need to go out of your way to initiate this boundary. If he bring something up, then say it. If not, and he may not ever try again while OW is closer by, then let it be.

Second boundary, which I’m not sure how to do. I don’t want the OW around my kids, but if she’s moving in, how can I stop that? Other than not letting the kids go to his house.

It is difficult to just say the OP cannot be around the kids, and it’s kind of unreasonable to expect that. There needs to a pretty good reason, like abuse or harassment.

If all H has is visitation rights then it could be arranged for visits just at your house. However, custody many not be solely your’s, and your kids would then be around OW.

Let me try to lessen some of your fears and stresses. In my situation OM is a bit of a dim witted slug of a man (oh how they do affair down, so very down). I had many irrational emotional problems with my kids seeing OM. However, it did become apparent that he was unfortunately a significant person in W’s life. Therefore he is going to be around my kids.

He is not their Dad. He is Mom’s boyfriend, and is treated as such. My kids know just how broken he is. A person that coveted another Man’s wife. A person who stole a married woman. A person who stole their Mom. Of course they also know just how broken Mom is, and how she is not innocent in all this.

OM is just a person, a broken person, but a person nonetheless. He is quite harmless. And my kids learned valuable lessons about accepting people, being nonjudgemental, and forgiving. I did too, and man those are tough lessons.

Perhaps there is a parallel here, mine and your situations.

What you can do is focus on unwanted behaviours - inappropriate messages, telling kids to lie, and missing school. Put your energies into these matter that directly affect the kids.

As difficult as it is, let OW go. She is meaningless, just an escape, a band-aid for a tortured soul.

DnJ