I'm just about 1 year from BD. I didn't know that's what it was at the time, and the memory of that night are still hazy and I don't care to relive it. But last Memorial Day was one of the most fun and loving times. W and I and our families got together for a fun evening of cards and hanging out. It was the first time since our wedding our families had truly melded into one happy group and we had a small party at our house. Only a week or so later it all came crashing down. I was flying high that weekend and I remember being so grateful and knowing I had exactly what I wanted in terms of family.
Now I'm in a different place. I'm actively seeking joy in every small thing I do. I sat on my porch to enjoy a beer after mowing the lawn, and realized I could smell the lilacs. So I jumped up, cut a few, and put them in a vase on my porch table. I never got to do that before because W happened to dislike the smell of lilacs.
I had to work today, but had an awesome day with my student workers. I have another incredible team, and they busted their butts with me today for some manual labor that just had to get done. So I bought us all pizza and pints of ice cream and we ate it in the sunshine after our work was done. They were grateful, and so was I.
I am doing more physical things than I ever have before and it feels GOOD. I'm covering some work for a retired teammate, which involves me sweating a lot a work (my job is supposed to be a desk-based job). I come home and now I'm responsible for all the lawn care and I found I really like it. W always did this stuff and complained I never did. But I do things in my own time, when I'm ready. And I've found times in my week when I enjoy being in the dirt and pulling weeds and planting plants getting generally disgusting because we've had so much rain lately. The mosquitoes are insane and my ankles are huge with bites. I don't mind.
I've kept off the 15-20 pounds I've lost since BD. I look amazing. I'm hoping to tone up which is something I've never done. It really is fascinating how connected our exterior and interior can be. I am presenting myself as more confident, more of a bad-@$$ woman who will handle any situation, and I feel it in my core too. I'm learning that my strength is a quiet one. Not "in-your-face" aggression, more of a stable assertiveness. The world around me is responding well to this.
I am trying to be social and build friendships and strong working relationships. I am succeeding, but have a ways to go in making new friends that I feel I can hang-out with. At my core I'm still a shy person, unsure how to navigate friendships. When it was just me & W we were a very insular couple. We rarely hung out with other people because we just so genuinely enjoyed each others company that we became homebodies. I see now that while I do require a lot of time at home by myself to feel strong and confident, I also do genuinely like people. I have found myself to be more trusting, more open, and more authentic in my daily relationships.
I leave for Italy in a couple of days. I'm not packed (I'm looking at what I need to bring and afraid it won't fit in the tiny bag I've committed to). I also am getting nervous because I have not heard from the farmer I've been communicating with. I had hoped for one more confirmation that he is expecting me to show up on his farm. I hope to hear soon, otherwise I may find myself creating a "Plan B" on the fly. This will certainly be an adventure of a lifetime either way. I just hope that the farm clothes I bring will be used in my manual labor, and not something I find myself wearing while looking at museums!
I met with W this weekend, we went over the paperwork that needs to be filled out. We will connect again in July. This is proceeding steadily but not too slow and not to raced. I feel she is confident in her decision. She was quietly normal in our meeting, considering we were at a coffee shop discussing D.
Sometimes this hurts. But sometimes I'm okay with it. This still is not what I wanted. But now that I'm here, it is something that I think needs to proceed. I've been reflecting a lot on the hurt that W caused, and I'm not in a place to forgive fully right now. I'm reliving some of the specifics now that I'm 7+ months out from her moving out I'm in disbelief to some of the things she did. And I'm letting go some of the guilt and feelings that this was somehow my fault. It wasn't. I have responsibility in our relationship not being what it should have been, but this D is not about me.
Honestly, I know that right now I'm not in a place where I could work on a R with her. If by some twist of fate she dropped the D and said she wanted to come home I don't think I'd say yes. It would kill me to say so, and it would rip my heart out knowing that for so long that is all I wanted. It would rip my heart out because I know we have potential, and to walk away from that would be worse than the last year. But right now and the space I'm in I don't think I could climb that mountain of reconciliation. I just don't think I could make it.
I kind of feel like I could in the future though. I just don't think I'm far enough in my own grief process to fully forgive W, so therefore I can't be thinking about being with her even in the hypothetical. Now that I'm in this new freedom stage I need to fully experience it so I know what it means for me.
