Persistent Endurance (Part 3)

[curtis7]

Well Curtis, you know you messed up, but what concerns me is that you don't care that you messed up. I'm not going to beat you up about it, but I will point out a few places simply b/c you didn't seem to have a clue about how she tried to show you she wasn't into what you were doing.

Hi Sandi, I do care. I read her too. When I reacted to the impulse, moved in to hugged her, and she didn’t wrap her arms around me, that was a clear indication she wasn’t into it. I couldn’t figure out how to escape and prolonged the mistake.

The minute you placed your hand in her hair and behind her neck, she immediately knew you were going to make a move she didn't welcome. How do I know? B/c touching her hair and putting your hand behind her neck are intimate touches. It instantly put her on guard. That's why she said, "What are you doing?"

Yes, I could see it in her eyes. Almost slowly twitching back and forth with an air of fear. Not good and confirmed she has no interest in intimacy with me.

H: Can I have a hug?
W: Sure...did you have a good birthday?

Can you see how it makes you appear weak? If not, then you won't learn from it. A husband has to appear strong to the WW, not weak, not vulnerable, and not needy. If the H shows he is vulnerable, then she feels she has to be the stronger one......and that's not what women want in their MR. The W wants a H who is stronger than she is.

H: It was different and it was hard...but I enjoyed the time with the kids (I placed my hand in her hair behind her head and gently pulled her towards me)

Were you trying to get her sympathy, while still moving in for more physical touch?

Yes, I suppose I was hoping she would soften in that moment. I hadn’t held her like that in over half a year and I thought she might feel something. She has been so reluctant to put herself in close proximity to me, I decided to give the opportunity. It’s so painful and really hurts that it didn’t elicit a positive response. I don’t know how LBS can tolerate rejection like this for years.

W: We’re not there yet.

Enough said! That is all the woman needed to say. Was the message received? You tell me.

Sure was, but I don’t think that’s the message I should receive and grasp. Her response indicates there is hope for us in the future. I’m told not to believe anything she says. I don’t get the feeling from her that there is any hope.

H: I understand, we miss you (while looking her in the eyes).

What is it you understood? That she didn't welcome the physical touching, or you prying into her thoughts?
When you saw she wasn't going along with you, is that when you decided to lay a big ole guilt trip on her?

W: Who’s we?
H: Me and the kids.
W: They get to see me.

I understood that she wasn’t ready/didn’t want physical touch. It wasn’t intended to be a guilt trip. I wanted her to know that the door was open to come home.

I said I wouldn't beat you up. So, this is me not beating you up, okay? Seriously, I want you to see what I'm trying to show you here. I don't think this interaction could be considered as her throwing you breadcrumbs.......not from my viewpoint, b/c at this particular time you were pursuing very strongly.......and told us you didn't care. Do you care that you'll have to work twice as hard to convince her she's lost you? Cause that's what it will take for her to even start to be interested.

Sandi, I appreciate your insight as a former WW. Your perspective helps me understand what she is going through and how she responds to my words and actions. Patience is so difficult while in limbo with a WW. I realize this was strong pursuit. As I mentioned before, DB is about finding out what works and what doesn’t work. Chalk this one up on the doesn’t work side.