When I take the focus off my H for a minute - and I could list many many instances of really ugly, selfish and unacceptable behaviour from him - I know the deep deep grief I am feeling (and I did lots of crying on my week away) is about letting go of the idea that he was going to save me and rescue me, that he was better than me, that he was some kind of hero which meant I could be fragile and weak and damaged and he would always be wise and big and steady enough to sort it all out. I think he's actually a very good man in lots of ways, and he's been under a lot of pressure the past couple of years, and he's needed an adult as a wife and not had one, and he's crumbled a bit and acted like an utter ... well, so and so, at times. I think I need to grow up. To be a flawed adult wife who can take care of her own emotions and tolerate living with someone who is flawed, sometimes unpredictable, sometimes unavailable, and generally a decent human being. That wasn't what I signed up for when I got married - I wanted the fairytale that let me be the little girl forever. And I still have a lot of sadness about the death of that dream to work through and I need to do that on my own before I am really ready to look around and explore with H what might come next.
