I've just read my post back and I've made H sound like a monster - criticising me after I'd come home early after hearing of my friend's death. I can see I've elided my own part in it pretty nicely - which was to be really weepy and teary and upset, and then criticising him first. I think I said something like, 'I just need someone to act like they're pleased to see me when I come home, rather than being bored or irritated or scared of me,' and I can see he was terrified of not being able to comfort me, and me getting angry about that. It wasn't wrong of me to be upset and I'd have had better control if I hadn't have had such shocking news. It would have been nice for him to have been able to absorb that, but, well, he just can't - he isn't capable of being a proper husband and I was expecting him to act like one and that was on me.
I've pretty much decided I will go to MC with him. I had a good think while I was away. I think the thing I am most afraid of is accepting less than I want, or being unable to say what I really think because I am worried it will drive him away. I need to accept that the marriage is pretty much dead on its feet right now, and if it turns out my honesty and his means that it can't make it work, then at least we can get the finances settled and he can take on a more equitable share on the childcare. I am afraid he will just stonewall and criticise and moan he doesn't get what he wants without saying what it is he actually wants, but I am going to give him a chance to act differently and if it doesn't seem he is able to come up with the goods, I am going to buy him out of the house and divorce him. I know the separation has only been six months, but I really don't have anything at all to say to him I haven't said a hundred thousand times before. If he isn't able to speak up for himself and participate like an adult in a repair, then he isn't the man I want to spend my life with. Dropping the rope and leaving it to him is the single thing I have not tried yet.
I feel calm and positive about this.
Edited to add: this is H's usual night to come over and spend time with the kids. He hasn't been in touch to arrange anything and I haven't chased it up. I am going to leave organising all contact with them or me to him now - I chased him a bit on this, and hand on heart I think I am guilty of using his wish to come and see the kids here at our home to see him myself. I'm going to stop doing that now. If he wants to come and see me I will welcome that, but I won't chase for it. I will just reply to his texts with warmth and kindness - but for my own peace of mind I need to see him making small steps to initiate contact with me now.
