You haven't accepted her choice yet. You haven't set her free. Constantly you look to her to show you a sign. You pursue, you plead, you always have your mind on her. That's not DB. That's pressure. She has not felt free of the pressure from you, you never gave her a chance to miss you or reconsider.
You are correct. If I am completely honest with myself. Really needed for this isn't it.
So much has happened this will be long and maybe not very connected. Please bear with me.
First let me thank all of you for being bricks. I'll explain in a moment.
Morning of the 15th. W comes down stairs and is happy that the 16th we have court to finalize or something. I asked her if she signed the settlement since there were changes. Ended up a yelling contest. Yes, really really stupid on both our parts. I regretted it as soon as I was outside.
Anyway I went to work, went to church, just like any other Wednesday. Stretched out on my bed reading online. Heard the front door. Figured she is home and safe. All I wanted to know. What I didn't know was she had a police escort. I'm thinking really?
So the one officer talks to me and asks a few questions. One of which is have you had suicidal thoughts. Me being me, I answered honestly. If you have read my posts you know I have hinted at this a lot. Well after that the officer's hands were tied and I was going to the hospital now whether I liked it or not.
So after a five day stay at the spa Le Pysch, I was able to leave. Except my kids had lost my house keys and my room key. Therefore I had to ask W to let me in. she sent me a picture of a restraining order.
So now after a forced vacation and looking forward to sleeping in my own bed in my house etc. I find out now i can't. I'm not mad or angry at her as much as disappointed in her. Really, that is my feeling toward her. I still love her and wonder why? We both yelled. She gives as good as she gets or better.
So, back to the brick reference/comment.
My normal sleep schedule is that I am up at a very early time and sometimes I can sleep a little more and sometimes not. Not having access to my normal middle of the night things I walked and thought about what was happening and had happened and what was I going to do. Being a technical person I still needed to sort this out because I obviously hadn't dealt with this yet.
Picture if you will a maze of small rooms, doors in each wall. On one door is that word that starts with "S" and is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. Behind that door is a wall of bricks. I won't break that wall. I pondered this and figured out why. Those bricks represent my kids, grandkids, family, friends, coworkers, all of you, etc. Going past that wall would take the pain I am feeling and change it, then share it. Maybe not to all of the people listed, but all those closest to me. I can't figure out what message I could leave that would explain enough to prevent that pain spreading. Like the message would be the hammer. Can't break the wall. The mortar is God and Jesus. It would be wrong to do this. Can't break the wall. Shut the door. Walk away.
Problem is as I move through the maze the door is always there. I check the door and the wall is too. Got to stop checking the door even thought I already know the wall will be there.
Why are you checking the door all the time? Because I still hadn't accepted this.
Part of being able to leave the spa Le Pysch was getting an appointment with my Dr. A wonderful lady who has known me for a long time. Long and difficult talk with her. Okay mostly listen on my part. Got two hugs from her before I left. Really needed those. Dr told me though it might be likely that she never loved me and I was just a ticket to a better life. Harsh, maybe true and not something I could ask now or ever and get an answer that I could trust. I think we did love each other at some point. Now... definitely not the same love by either of us.
Still don't hate my wife. Still love her. Forgive her about this? Yeah... just want this over now.
Pack your stuff and go or let me pack my stuff and go.
Spent the Memorial Day weekend with my S and younger D. Going to be staying with one of my coworkers. Very generous of him but really not what I want. I know, I have no choice.
Still waiting to hear about the internship. I really would like that chance. My skill set is underused otherwise.
Got a court date on June 6 about the restraining order. Court ordered not contact. Fine. No more text message in my phone from her, phone number, or pictures of her either. The ones in my computer... still deciding what to do with them. Outright delete and be done? Not likely. Probably will put them all on one flash drive and put that in the safe so none are on my computer.
Final thought for now. Yeah, I am done. I want my stuff and go. I didn't want this. I wanted so much to have the Marriage 2.0 with her. Am I Turbine 2.0 yet? No, but I am working on it. When most of that upgrade is in place I am pretty sure if she realizes it, the window won't be the same.
Thoughts are welcome as always.
Turbine
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
