It’s not shock; that wore off in the first week or so. You are stepping out of denial.
Denial is a needed mechanism to protect one’s psyche; when facing too much pain or trauma the mind will ignore it until it can process it safely. This is healthy and natural, you are ok.
As more and more is revealed to you, more and more feelings and emotions will surface. And yes, you will feel more mixed up. Keep to your path, and remember this is a counterintuitive time - focus on you and your kids. Even as your mind is wanting something else, your H.
How was your conversation with H about boundaries?
I think you are going to have to follow up and lay down another boundary regarding “his” devices that have messages from his girlfriend. He needs to get devices for the kids that are just for them.
If you had a good strong conversation before, let him have it. Even if you didn’t you need to get some rules in place. Thankfully no pictures were discovered. I am sure you can see why the need for some ground rules. Something along the lines of your girlfriend, her messages, pictures, etc... are not allowed around my children. Post some of your ideas and we can fine tune them with you if you like.
As for D12 and D14 (since D12 told her), talk to them. Does S10 know? I would suspect he will find out soon, one of the girls will tell him - and that is ok. The four of you do not need secrets, or worse lies, amongst you. Open, honest sincere communication with your children will help them a lot. They need truth, love, security, that person they can count on - you. Become the best Mom you can be.
Right now they know he has a girlfriend. And they know, or suspect, she was in the picture before your separation. It is ok to tell them the truth. Answer their questions about the timing. It is ok. Facts are better than fiction. They will be looking for answers, and will make something up, if you do not help them.
A caution for you. Do not demonize their father. Just be factual and show kindness. This, as it turns out, is as much for you as it is for the kids. However, your children really do not want to lose their Dad. Unfortunately that is out of your hands. He is going to do whatever he is going to do, and there will be consequences. Make the relationship between you and your kids really good.
It is not your job to foster or maintain a relationship between H and his kids. It is your job not to destroy it.
A quick bit on standing. Yail is correct, you do not need to decide today or tomorrow. What you are looking at deciding is actually standing down. Standing appears to be your default, like it was for me, and probably most of us here. You always have a choice, however your healthiest choice right now is to stand until you are healed enough not to. Then you can actual decide what you want to do.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
