Nyla one very small thing that helped me that I hope helps you too -
When you say "I want to stand, but I don't know if I can" just remember you don't have to decide today. You don't have to decide tomorrow. In fact, you may not ever need to actively decide. All you need to do is put one foot ahead of the other and move forward every single day. One day you'll just know one way or the other what the best thing to do is. But it is too early to add pressure to yourself on top of everything else.
I know this is so hard and you feel like you won't come out alive. You will.
