Ok I'm posting a lot this weekend, this is what happens when home alone. Probably should be doing more DB stuff...

I did get out of the house for some GAL activities today and exercised. Later I was in the grocery store trying to consciously stay in the present moment, lost touch when I passed the flower section and thought about how in the past I would have bought some flowers for my W upon returning home. The sadness permeates.

Deep thoughts

You can probably tell in my rambling posts that I am really struggling with whether I should have any hope at all of my M remaining intact. Because if not, I need to work on moving on fully.

I keep hoping for posters to come in and provide some flicker of hope to tell me otherwise.

First I will explain why I feel my sitch is dire, and second I will explain where I am going with this:

First:

I was listening to a podcast today touching upon toxic situations. Certain conditions apply: persistent anger and resentment, feeling like you're walking on eggshells, the situation affecting all facets of your life negatively (work, sleep, etc.). There were more and I don't remember them all.

My situation is clearly toxic. It checks all the boxes. With more skillful coping mechanisms, I would be able to work out of the last piece (all facets of your life), which is more or less "don't fall into a deep depression." But the others are basically unresolvable.

This is the essence of DB. This sitch is toxic. I have ZERO control over my W, her moods, her outlook, what she wants out of life. She has shown ZERO interest in talking about our sitch, trying to work on things, talking about the future, nothing.

Now:

My W *may* initiate some R talk this week. She will likely back out or just have forgotten, but there was some indication last week that she wanted to discuss "my distance." I need to be prepared. To be clear, I will not initiate.

If I am correct here, the advice would be to avoid this R talk at all costs. Do not jump into an R talk assuming you can just validate. You will quickly be put on the defensive. Let me know if I misunderstand.

Example:

W (angrily): "I wanted to talk about last week. You didn't write me letter, you didn't want to give me a hug, you've been super distant for 2 weeks."
U: "I can understand how you were upset about not receiving a letter."
W: "Well... why didn't you write one?"
U: *** tongue tripping ***

The bigger knot I am untangling is... should I really be avoiding this particular R talk? W has not initiated any serious talk in months. I don't see myself having many opportunities here.

I can deflect and avoid this talk and just keep doing my DB work. Or I can treat this as an opportunity to feel out my W's position, since she offers such little feedback otherwise.

Up front I would establish a boundary that I will walk away from any conversation that becomes heated or angry.

Gitch'er 2x4s ready...

What Do I Have To Lose

- I will cycle hard if hit with the official BD. (Although I think this will happen regardless of timeline).
- It may accelerate the D timeline, which goes against DB principles.
- I may not be ready for some of the things she says.
- W may become more emotionally unstable which would further challenge my sitch.

What Do I Have To Gain

- W initiated an R talk for first time in months. R's cannot last without basic communication.
- Opportunity to state my position, for the record, in person:

1. We are disconnected, and have been for many months. I want to reconnect.
2. I want our M to work, and I want to do my part.
3. I want to go to MC if we both have the goal of working on the M.

- Clarity on my sitch. W could obfuscate, but even that would tell me something.
- F2F communication about something actually important for the first time since probably January.

I look at these lists and think I have more to Gain than I do to Lose.