It has been an up and down couple of weeks. The school year is coming to a close which is great because it means summer vacation is coming, but it also means that students are checking out and going crazy. Last year I ended the school year in a complete daze, I think I was pretty much in shock the final two months of the year. This year, it is just hard. My summer plans are very much up in the air, though i will be sure to get out of town for a good bit of it. I was going to travel with a Colombian friend, and still might, but it is up in the air. I'll also head up north to visit family at the beach and friends for at least a week or two. I am debating buying a car, since those and weekend trips out of town would be much easier if I had one. I like not relying on one to get around town, and I can do 90-95% of my life without one, but that last little bit is definitely tricky.
Physically I am feeling so strong, probably the strongest I have ever been in my life. It is amazing to feel a vitality at over 40 that surpasses my younger self. I used to run, and 11 years ago I was in the best running shape of my life, I ran a half marathon at 6 minute mile pace (no great shakes for some, but a friggin miracle for me!) But even then, I was super thin and my body was always right on the edge of breaking down. With the biking and yoga and climbing it just feels more solid - I am building a strong base from my core and the strength emanates out from there. Those things have been my GAL, been my rock, been my social life for the past year. No matter how low I am feeling, I force myself out to do them, and I almost always feel better. Action precedes motivation - that mantra still rings true to me.
Last weekend I went back and read through all of my posts for the first time in a comprehensive way. It was difficult to read. I also realized that I tend to post here in lower moments, while the better times tend to go unremarked upon. So, I want to assure everyone that I am not as depressed as I might come off her. I think the highlight of the reread was Sia or Nicole just ripping me a new one as I posted about a deep depression I fell into midsummer - my reaction at the time was to laugh because I knew that I had it coming! But there was also so much wisdom and support and love from so many folks. It really helped me get through those days.
My dating life has not been great. I stopped seeing other people because I was quite interested in the 2nd professor, and she seemed quite interested in me. However, things have stalled out. She likes me quite a bit (and has told me that) and we have a great connection and similar values. Whenever we get together we have a fabulous time and the conversation and time just flow. However, she a) thinks I am not ready for a relationship and b) is more than weirded out by the fact that I dated the other professor (whom she knows, and has some sort of history with, or so it seems.) I can't really control those two things and told her as much. I was about to write the whole thing off, but then we had a lovely 5 hour picnic and walk last Tuesday, and had air-clearing discussion about our concerns. It was a beautiful afternoon and evening, the kind you wish every date could be like. However, when i asked her out again for this weekend, she told me she couldn't. So I put the ball in her court letting her know that she can ask me out since her schedule is so packed. In the meantime I am beginning to look around and talk to others online again.
Last Thursday when I got home from my bike ride I got an unexpected and unwelcome surprise. A 6 page handwritten note from my EW. It was all about forgiveness and letting go, and her telling me how she forgives me, and lots of time spent asking me for my forgiveness for all the different things she did. It was definitely not a move towards reconciliation type letter, rather it was more of a farewell. Of course I haven't responded at all, but I am annoyed that it threw me off as much as it did. My first reaction was anger/annoyance because she is once again just taking an emotional dump upon me. it is so self-centered and focused on her emotional suffering with a blatant disregard for me. I have noticed this pattern with her, where she keeps coming back to me to help her resolve her own emotional trauma associated with the dissolution of the MR. Part of me wants to say that that she should talk to OM about that, but in reality the message she needs to learn is "Forgive yourself."
The other part that bothers me is that her rejection still stings. I'm not at the point where I can laugh it off. I can see it as needy and possibly a bit manipulative, but it still produces a reaction in me. I know that that note is all about her and has little to do with me, but I still give it some power to shake me. I want to be a like a tree. I want to be so centered and grounded that these gusts of wind from her, which may ruffle my leaves, can't touch my roots. I suppose that the only reason that it still has any power over me is that in some ways I am still holding on to the past. That is disappointing at this point. I think I'll head back to my IC whom i haven't seen in a while and try to work through it some more.
Time to keep plugging! There is no way around it, just through it!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
