Its pretty simple, and really its what most people have a hard time grasping: It is not at all about specific sitches that are salvable. It all comes down to one thing. The WAW/WW needs to WANT to reconcile. Everything you do is to strengthen yourself, and find the resolve to rise, and live, love and laugh on your own. That is not case specific, that is moving on and healing, and that is the essence really.
It just so happens, that a produkt of this process occasionally is, that the waw/WW has a change of heart.
Thanks Hurt. I know this in my brain and in my heart, but I cannot let go.
I see DB-ing as having 3 parts:
1. Work on yourself. Use this upheaval in your life to motivate you to change for the better.
2. It is possible (although unlikely) as a byproduct of DB-ing that your WAS may have a change of heart.
3. Successful DB-ing requires focusing on #1 (self) and ignoring and forgetting #2 (WAS).
Following #3 to the letter of the law is virtually impossible.
Maybe I've just been thrown for a loop by what happened a week ago in my sitch. My W had such a strong, angry reaction that I couldn't help but wonder if it indicated there was still some feeling there. I can't figure it out. Mostly I think the anger is her fuel driving her towards D, and I should think nothing of it. But I also think... anger is better than apathy.
It was bizarre to me...Receiving angry texts about "my distance" from a W who has completely taken affection off the table (no ILY's, only hugs, sleep in same bed but don't even go to bed at the same time) and doesn't seem to want to spend any time together except talking at night about the kids or otherwise "safe" topics (friends and family, no R talk). Do I maintain the distance at risk of furthering her anger? Do I tentatively come closer and risk becoming vulnerable again? I don't know. I snuck in a "Miss you all" text this week to W and kids and I'm over-thinking it. Was that a mistake? What is her anger really about? What is lurking there under the surface? Should I even care what W thinks? She mentioned not understanding me, and hopefully we could talk soon. Should I press? Should I even sit around waiting for her to initiate this talk? Or should I assume she was in a highly emotional state, regrets wanting to talk, and will never bring it up again? Arghhhh....
I know I shouldn't worry so much about WAS. We live together. I cannot avoid getting reactions sometimes from her. And periodically I do get very strong reactions and I can't help but wonder... What was that all about? What is lurking under the surface that triggered this anger? Is that a clue? Does that lead me towards a potential 180 that would be helpful - not a magic key, but just something I could improve on that I am unaware of? Is my W telling me something about myself that I need for my self-improvement? Does she even want me to be closer, or is she just venting her anger and blaming me?
^^^^ See how easily I violated #3?! Fortunately I have let go of that impulse to initiate and R talk, or write another letter, but I am having difficulty balancing the PMA vibe "Hi, it's your H, hope you're having a great time with the kids!" and the detached vibe "I'm cool chilling by myself, contact me when you want." It all feels fake.
