Thanks for pointing me to JRuss's story. I read through a majority of the posts.
Like most forum visitors, I come here and read other stories and try to fit them to my own story. When I find similarities that give me strength and positivity ("that couple with similarly aged kids recon'd!!"), I identify and empathize with the story. When I find differences ("that couple didn't work out, but their kids were 1 year age different from mine, so my story can be different!!") I also do the same. It is a dangerous practice.
JRuss's story did strike quite a nerve. Many similarities (not all). Perhaps what resonated most was how long he held out hope, how long he DB'ed, how there was a last glimmer of hope with W going to MC only to recognize quickly it was a checkbox situation. And then, just a few months later, how much happier and confident JRuss's posts sounded.
JRuss, if your read this, I would love to hear your input on my sitch.
The last 24 hours, a heavy reality is setting in for me. How many stories have I read here which actually involve reconciliation? Maybe 1-2%? And of those 2%, the sitches seem completely different from mine. Thread upon thread of hopeful newcomers coming in, only to face D down the road regardless. Many if not most people are stronger from coming here, some are not.
There is realistically nothing about my sitch that suggests recon is even a remote possibility. My W has established a consistent pattern of distance punctuated with sporadic bouts of anger and resentment, going on 6 months at least. I don't initiate R talk anymore - I feel like I made it clear in my letters that I want to reconcile, and she has ignored me 100%. I can (and will) continue to work on myself - PMA, GAL, NGS, validate, set boundaries, 180s, focus on my kids - but I need to be honest at this point. There is ZERO chance of this coming back. All of those things I do need to be for me and my kids now, nothing more. I'm not saying this from a depressed hopeless mindset. I'm saying this from a "time to look at reality square the face" mindset. There's just no realistic chance of recon. And I also need to get out of the mindset that there is just some magic thing I need to be doing, and I can't figure it out, and I will regret it the rest of my life if I don't keep trying to find that magic thing. Because that mindset is pointing me towards a dark place.
I know I will vacillate more when W and kids return home. I'll see hopeful signs. We'll share a drink and have a good conversation and laugh a bit. But it will mean nothing. It will mean nothing to her, other than that we will be able to remain friends and co-parent and that is a good thing in her mind (and I guess mine as well).
When I do have these periods of thinking my M is already 6 feet under, I feel relief. It feels like I can stop feeling broken - I can work on myself intensely, but I don't need to focus so heavily that I start to burn out. I'm a good person, I'm valuable, I will find love in this world, and I will look back on this period of my life and be thankful that it made me stronger. I know this to be true. I may look back and wonder why I put up with this treatment. I may wonder if I was unhappy long before I even realized it also. It will be hard to let go. She is still beautiful to me. She is still the woman of my dreams, but I need to step back and analyze why I think that. Am I getting my needs met in this M?
The process has started. The pedestal is crumbling.
I'm trying also to avoid perfectionist thinking. There is no "perfect" DB-ing. I have a job, 3 kids, and frankly I'm burning out from all the attempts to better myself. I need to just live sometimes. Like so many here, I want so badly to save my M, but at what cost to my happiness? Is this even healthy?
I'd like to throw out a dare to the forum to end this post: Tell me about a sitch similar to mine (or JRuss's) where the couple reconciled. And if so, what are the primary reasons that sitch ended in reconciliation rather than D?
