that analogy with the plaster is spot on. And it is painful, too, to watch something slowly die - or to supervise the slow killing of an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes I wonder if ripping the plaster off is best. That isn't the road I am taking and I know just what you mean about those slow and tiny steps, the gradual unknitting of a life together. It would be so difficult to take a step forward and see if he wants to come together with you again, when the unpeeling has been so painstaking and has hurt so much.
Would it be possible for you to ask him for a not-date date? When H and I tried dating, early on in our separation, it was a total disaster. I got needy and upset and expected to be romanced and wooed, and he, I think, dreaded a gaunt, dark-eyed, tearful woman sitting across from him who he had to entertain and make happy. Not suggesting it's like that with you - you're much more even and calm than I was when we tried dating - put the pressure of the trappings of 'romance' can make people feel upset about not feeling things they think they are supposed to. What has been nice, very rarely, is when H and I have had a cup of coffee together sitting in our garden, and more recently, had a small walk with the dog. It was very low-key. Is there something like that you could ask for?
I would keep on with the dating. You have no obligation to tell your H about it unless you want to. If you do have an R talk and it seems you're going to date or explore what might come next, then you can have a conversation about being exclusive then - when the time is right.
