Another interaction with W yesterday when picking up D9.
The DBing is in my head when alone but not made it to my heart - I am not controlling my emotions. A kiss when arriving and with a hug when leaving...so far from detached and it comes across as desperate and needy pursuit. The most I should do is a peck on the cheek and even that may be too much at this stage.
I am also asking too many questions about her and how and what she is doing. A lot of this comes from trying to catch her lies about where and what she is doing. I don’t know how to detach when I am trying to figure out the extent of her lying. Maybe detachment is to go past caring what the hell she doing and how she can justify it to herself - trying to figure it out will test my sanity and so it is best if I don’t bother. I need to admit to myself that the woman I knew as my wife has gone and may never return and it is her decision to decide which path to take. Letting go is really really hard.
She still seems interested in telling me a bit about any progress (or lack of) there has been around changes she wants to make in herself. She told me she is putting on weight and she is the heaviest she has ever been, I said it didn’t matter, then I get ‘you’ve been telling me I’m fat for 10 years stop saying it doesn’t matter’. WTF? That is a huge rewrite of history - I have only ever tried to support her In her efforts to lose weight when she wanted to. I cannot believe she truly believes this is an accurate representation of history. Her newer group of friends must think I’m a monster. I tried to validate as much as possible - ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’, ‘I understand that you feel this way’, ‘I cannot change the past’. It helped us move away from the subject quickly.
D9 seemed distant and sad when I picked her up. We had a lovely afternoon and evening with family. I want to make sure the time she spends with me is the thing she looks forward to the most albeit in circumstances that are making her sad.
Anyway, I know the interaction with W has not helped. How much more damage it has caused, I don’t know. Maybe I am past caring...I guess if I was truly past caring, then I wouldn’t be making these mistakes.
