FS, the plaster comparison is so descriptive. I think I've seen what you are referring to in your writings. You have each taken steps back and put up walls throughout this process to protect yourselves after the dust started to settle post BD. Simultaneously, at times you have each been kinder to one another in a nod to the difficulties you're experiencing. But to take a step forward it seems (from the outside) that neither of you are ready, or wanting that at this time.

If I had to guess purely as an outsider I would guess this is because you have each been hurt and you are not sure if you can move past the hurt without the other making the first move towards apologies. Right now I'm not sure I see either of you doing that. In your mind and where you are at - would this fall to him? Without him making this move/apology do you see yourself walking away?

I ask with no ulterior motive of course, and I don't know that I can say what is best. Just trying to feel you out to see where you are.

Sometimes I wonder if the "complete break" (D, moving, or whatever) is needed for a couple so that the WAS can feel they are making a fresh start with the LBS - not an apology. To potentially come back together after being definitively DONE is a different conversation and experience than to come back with a more 'active" guilt in a murky situation. I'm not sure I am explaining my thoughts clearly, but it is something I'm ruminating on. You and H see each other too much to step out of the murky, though I agree it is out of necessity for the girls.

Once again, I must say how beautifully I feel you two are coparenting.

Originally Posted by FlySolo


I spoke to a friend about this the other day. He feels that there is still hope for us. But that there are great big trust issues on both sides, and a shed load of guilt on his. He also thinks that I am at a cross roads. Looking at two paths and trying to decide which is best for me. By not being transparent with him about the dating, I am hoping to keep both paths alive until I know what is going on. By keeping things from me my H is doing the same (I suspect this is another way of saying cake eating). But it is interesting that it was framed in such a way that I came across as cake eating too.

He feels it is time to have the R talk. There are too many things unsaid, too many assumptions and too much distrust. Neither of us can make a decision because we do not know what the facts are. He things my H assumes I have moved on. I assume my H has moved on.

I do not know. I will need to think about it some more.


I don't disagree with your friend necessarily, but I agree with you that you need more time to consider this.