I highly doubt we can survive D without selling this house. I don't like to project too far into the future, but that is the reality. We stretched ourselves thin to buy this house 2 years ago, knowing full well the first year we would be in the red on cash-flow. Now we are probably even.
There's the weird piece about my W going back to work here. Right now she is FT SAHM. But she has the capability of earning money, either PT or FT, and I imagine that would be accounted for should we go to trial. Long-term if I make X and she makes Y, I am working off the assumption we each should be getting (X+Y)/2 especially if custody is 50/50.
There is a scenario where my W decides to keep the house and works her tail off to maximize Y so she can afford it. Also I am aware that this is going to be a pain because her income will ramp up each year so we'll have to go back to the courts every year to readjust. It will have to be based off tax returns. It will be a huge pain and I will probably end up getting the short end of the stick for awhile as a result.
It's pretty simple math though. If X is just enough to pay for a house, then for (X+Y)/2 to work, W would need to make Y. Which is impossible. She could liquidate some assets and maybe swing it. I don't know.
I guess the point is... there is no way that I am going to keep this house. Nor would I really want to, quite honestly. It's big, isolated, will require a lot of maintenance over the years. Beautiful home, but I'd almost rather have a home in a neighborhood where we can walk to parks and shops and interact more with other people. I'd rather not have a big maintenance project. The problem is where I live... with (X+Y)/2 income, that will basically be a condo or apartment for awhile. It is just reality.
Re: Fears
Your quote really does resonate with me. I know D would not be so bad. I'm sitting here at home (alone) this morning thinking about my plans to GAL, do some housework, and it feels so low pressure. I like it. W sent me a text and I'm ignoring it, not to be a jerk, just b/c I don't feel like I need to respond. I feel detached, I feel good. I know sometimes in the next 2 hours I will probably swing into a low funk, feel like I'm having a low grade panic attack, and I'll breathe through that and then pick myself up again.
Re: Fault
I hear you on the fault thing. I was raised by a moody mother (essentially BPD) and a non-emotional father. I learned how to cater to my mother's moods and try to keep the peace. I learned how to be a Nice Guy. I learned how to avoid conflict. I learned how to doubt my instincts. I learned how to make my W my emotional center. I never learned how to set healthy boundaries. When we moved up here, I let my distress about my W being depressed or upset get the better of me. I pleaded with her to just tell me everything was okay. I drove her away. Some of these episodes bordered on, or even crossed over into, emotional abuse. No name calling and yelling, but still EA. I played the victim. I worried CONSTANTLY about my W's happiness. I rushed home from work. I asked her "Are you okay?" constantly, to her annoyance. Her anger scared me and drove me away to give her space.
My parents decided to cut off communication about 3 years ago. I should have taken the first step quite honestly. I was relieved. It was a huge issue in our M - every time we interacted with them there was conflict and hurt. Recently they have tried to reach out to contact me. But with no apologies, no remorse. I have gone NC with them except when necessary to exchange information (for reasons I won't get into). My position is that I will not engage in any future R with them until they show a willingness to change. I will not expose my kids to this unhealthiness. Getting over the guilt here was a HUGE undertaking for me, years of IC. But I am there. W resents me for it. We even talked about it a few weeks ago, and I told her, If they don't show a commitment to change, such as going to therapy on their own, I will not entertain a future R with them. She was silent, probably wondering if I was just telling her what she wanted to hear. I don't really care, it is my truth. In the past, I would have probably asked W "What would you do?" I'm acting on my own at this point. Maybe she was testing me, wondering if post-D I will reinitiate contact. I don't know. It will be 100% my say at that point.
It's easy to fall into 2 traps when thinking about what happened to our M. First, I could blame my W. I could say, you are controlling. You controlled our sex life and cut it off. We have no affection. You are angry and won't talk to me. You have avoided MC to work through our issues. You are secretive and planning your way out. You don't let me in. I can never do enough around the house to keep you happy. I can never do enough with my work schedule to keep you happy. You don't get along with your mom, but you never realized how you patterned your parenting after hers... you poured everything into your R with your kids, and left your H feeling abandoned, stranded.
Or, I could blame myself. My NGS drove you away. I more or less molded you to be controlling. I let fear drive my decisions. I patterned my behavior just like when I was a child, and you had no choice but to take ownership of the kids and the house. And I became like my dad, FT worker. Different from my dad in the sense that I engage with my kids way more. And different in the sense that I pushed for a closer R with my W. But still, letting W run the show.
But the healthy way to look at this (I think) is: We both brought our issues into this M. Our love for each other was strong enough to get through most episodes. Then we had 3 kids, and we moved, and had a huge life disruption. And we were no longer equipped to handle this. Other couples, healthier couples, or couples with different issues, could have worked through it. We could not. We failed at MC the first time. W seems to have given up. I am willing to go ahead with MC2. I don't think it would be easy work, but I don't want to give up. I'd like one more shot. W seems to have already made up her mind though, and I can't change that, and the shame of it all is depressing. The shame of splitting our family apart, rather than fighting to make it work.
LH you said it perfectly in your post, and I'm basically repeating what you said here just with a lot more words.
OK I need to stop doing THIS, and start GAL'ing for the day....
