Complex WW and/or MLC #3

[sandi2]

Then I initiated a R talk. I told her that I would still like to see if this R has the ability for reconciliation and that I would be willing to date her again. HOWEVER if we move to this step I would expect monogamy during that time. She understood this request. I told her that offer will not stand indefinitely. I told her that I believe the time/space has been great for both of us and that I think right now is too early to make any final decisions, but I don’t believe she should need too much more time to decide if this family is worth working on or not. I do not like being “in limbo” and I either want to pour all of my energy into us and reconciliation or I want to pour it into a new life. I told her that I have some things that I want to do this summer and I said I don’t picture myself going the entire summer not knowing if I should be planning these events with her, the family, or other people. She asked “like what” – I said: “it shouldn’t matter – you would need to decide first”. She talked about the letters again and how much she appreciated them, she talked about missing me (I also told her I missed her). Then I hugged her, Kissed her, and we had sex!

First time in 5 months. I initiated 100% of it but she responded 100% in return. I DO NOT THINK THIS MEANS ANYTHING. I did it because I wanted to. I knew I could, I had withheld all of that attention previously. Mostly to ‘not be a nice guy’ but also I had hoped that withholding would maybe ‘bring her around’. This time, it is what I wanted, so I went and got it. Then… I was about to miss my scheduled Tee time so I had to rush her out. She kinda gave me a funny look (as my time golfing and being a way from the house was a huge BD issue) but It wasn’t my weekend with the kids and the sex was over – so I walked out the door with her, locked the house, said have a nice day and went to the course.  not a nice guy thing!

But I’m still confident that my situation is a bit unique.

How is it unique?

I still fear that she WILL come back and work on this but may not be willing to do all the things I would want moving forward (transparency plan, possibly new job, etc) or maybe she just cheats again.

Do you mean you fear her deceiving you.......or do you fear she'll get back in the house and then refuse to cooperate with your terms? If this is what you mean, let me assure you of how important it is that she has expressed remorse and has taken full responsibility for her wayward actions, apologized to you for the lies, deceit, betrayal, etc. This needs to occur before you agree to reconcile. You can hold out for this, b/c you are not living under the same roof with her. If you start sleeping with her, it complicates things. She'll slither under the door without meeting any of those requirements, and more than likely, she won't be committed to working on the MR 100%, b/c you took her back without requiring her to do certain things, first. There are never any guarantees, but I'm trying to give you some guidance in how to get back the W you once loved, and hopefully, have a better MR in the future.

But no matter how objectively I try to look at this situation, her actions, I cannot get this sitch to fit into the normal WW box that seems to be so black and white on this site.

Then tell me how your sitch or your W is unique, if that's why you can't fit it into the WW box. Maybe then we would know better what you are dealing with. Otherwise, it appears as if you just want to do what your feelings dictate. I understand this is your life and you'll do what you see best. The reason we try to tell you what to do with a WW, is based mostly on experience and observation. So, if you'll tell us how your W is different, then maybe we'll stop giving the same advice. See what I mean?

We have so much to work through. I just want that opportunity and I don’t believe she has to be totally broken (in my sitch) to get that opportunity.

Sometimes I will read where someone will tell a newcomer that their WW will have to hit rock bottom before she'll change, or before he can have a successful reconciliation. Well, I didn't hit rock bottom. I did experience enough to get my eyes opened. I followed the advice of my mentors and ended all contact with the OM. I made a decision to do the right thing, and ended the A. It was not what I felt like doing. I did the right action, but I was not broken, had not hit rock bottom, and I did not feel remorse. IMHO, the uniqueness in a WW may come when they feel true remorse. And until she feels remorse for what she did to her H, it's going to take a long, long time and much work to see growth in the relationship. I really don't think she can feel the love for him as her H, as long as she feels justified in cheating on him. B/c that includes the disrespect, resentment, arrogance, selfishness, and the whole nine yards of waywardness. So, if the couple is physically separated, I would advise the H to wait until he is convinced she has remorse.

My H and I did not separate. Although I ended my A, I did not let go of the fantasy, and until I did......loving feelings for my H did not return. It took me nearly two years before I finally asked God to help me feel remorse and sincerely apologize for what I had done. When the remorseful feelings finally came, I went to H with my heart broken from what I had done to him, our M, and our family. You see, I couldn't feel love and respect for my H as long as I kept my A alive by fantasizing about it.

I believe it is so important that a WW experiences humbleness in her heart. It has to break through her willful pride and stubbornness. It has to break her sense of entitlement and arrogance, or you'll still have a wayward W. That's what so many LBH's don't get. They just want the A to end, or just get her back. I can agree with you about some things regarding reconciliation before she is completely broken, but I'm just saying the more she overcomes before reconciling, the better for both of you. But before you take her back, it is imperative she ends her A, and agrees to NC with him. Even if it means her finding another job or moving to another location, then so be it. That is top priority, b/c the M doesn't stand a chance as long as she's getting her "fix" from contacting OM. If she's not willing to leave her job b/c OM is there, then don't expect her to accomplish the other work that's needed. I'm talking about the work she has to do as a WW.

Some things she may have to process is learning how to show respectful behavior, and letting go of everything in the past that she resents, and let go of blaming you. She has to forgive you. Now all of this may not happen at once, and she may have to work through or process some issues with the help of therapy. I'm just trying to get you to understand the importance of not taking a WW back before she commits to doing whatever is necessary to save the M. It starts with ending the A and NC with OM. Don't take her back, until she ends the A.

We have so much to work through.

Some things we need to work through as individuals, and some things as couples. Once she get completely through withdrawals from OM, then the road is open to resolve other problems. I strongly encourage couples to find an experienced therapist who deals with healing after an affair. But until she has OM out of her head, nothing is going to work.