But whilst it feels like limbo, I am coming to the realisation that I am not in limbo. What is happening is an excruciatingly slow peeling away of the plaster (that's band-aid for you Americans) that is our marriage. It's just that the plaster is coming off so slowly that you don't see it happening. Like those human statues you see in Covent Garden painted in gold or silver or bronze. They move so slightly that over the course of the day they will have turned 360 degrees. To the bystander, these statues are in a constant state of stillness. But the stillness is not still. It moves. Some movements are more obvious than others, moving out, my changing the lock, or us taking separate family holidays, whilst others, are so subtle that only he and I will have noticed (I referred in a text to his flat as 'yours' and the house as 'mine' as in, "I can either take D9 back to mine or drop her by yours").
I spoke to a friend about this the other day. He feels that there is still hope for us. But that there are great big trust issues on both sides, and a shed load of guilt on his. He also thinks that I am at a cross roads. Looking at two paths and trying to decide which is best for me. By not being transparent with him about the dating, I am hoping to keep both paths alive until I know what is going on. By keeping things from me my H is doing the same (I suspect this is another way of saying cake eating). But it is interesting that it was framed in such a way that I came across as cake eating too.
He feels it is time to have the R talk. There are too many things unsaid, too many assumptions and too much distrust. Neither of us can make a decision because we do not know what the facts are. He things my H assumes I have moved on. I assume my H has moved on.
I do not know. I will need to think about it some more.
