Got home from work trip tonight. W and kids are gone on an adventure trip through Monday.
I'm feeling super low and panicky tonight. No ILY since January. I can't remember the last time we kissed. No "I miss you" or "Glad you made it home safe." Just some texts of pictures of the kids and W on their adventure. I would be upset about the kids being gone this whole weekend but... I hope maybe this gives my W some space and time to do whatever thinking she needs to do. Maybe that will be healthy for both of us.
I'm sitting in this house, perfectly arranged and clean, great home feel, my kids' rooms set up super neat, and thinking... I am not going to be able to do this. My W can do this, she has everything in her life together (except for our M and how she is handling things right now). I'm going to have a crappy apartment with IKEA furniture and no idea how to pick myself off the mat. I know... that's the easy part.
This weekend as much as I want to cram self-help reading and fix-it house chores in, I absolutely have to GAL. Going to hang out with a friend tomorrow, might buy some new clothes on Sunday.
I'm just at such a loss with my sitch. How did we even get here? A month ago I was analyzing all the things I did and blaming myself 100%. But I've moved on a little bit. I can't figure out really, how did we get here? We went to MC in the fall, I stopped pestering my W for affection (which was a huge problem), and I started doing some more chores (didn't seem to help much). We stopped because the therapist was bad. And then... my wife just seemed angry. She initiated a few arguments. Not many... our arguments would be her venting about several things, me trying to absorb and listen. Not both sides going back and forth. January, February, things just seemed cold. Family vacation in March and we barely talked, didn't touch each other. Then mid-March I realized she was thinking about leaving. I panicked. I pulled over on the road, I wrote pleading letters. I suggested we go to MC. I told her how much I loved her. In April I traveled for work, and in between travels she took the kids to the in-laws. I asked to talk and she said only in front of my IC. Now it's May and things just seem more strained than ever. She's probably gained 15 pounds and looks like she's going through hell. I've probably lost 15 pounds and look like I'm going through hell. Nobody is acknowledging the elephant in the room.
Seriously, WTF is going on? She is not wayward. There is no abuse. If it's a MLC it doesn't have all of the tell-tale signs. But she just... won't... talk... about... anything to do with our M.
And if it's just a matter of not loving me anymore, or that she can't forgive me for the past, then why wait to tell me? Why go through months of hell? Because I have some work travel coming up? That makes no sense.
Maybe the emotional roller coaster will only get worse once the BD happens. This pre-BD period is tearing me apart because both W and I act as if I don't know
It is a huge strain. W has to be secretive. I have to act "normal" which is basically impossible. I also have to wonder if I am nuts, or if maybe W will come around at some point, or maybe I should treat this as a gift because maybe it means she is on the fence or deliberating. But... how can she be on the fence for so long, withholding affection, detaching? What is the point? Is this all just to slow-play things to satisfy her timeline? I don't get it. Maybe there will be some crazy revelation when the BD comes, I don't know. As far as I can guess, she's so worried about my reaciton that she's trying to plan out everything perfectly when in fact I already know and so we are playing this massive charade now going on 2+ months.
It makes me want to write another letter, and I know I deserve a massive 2x4 to the forehead for what follows.
"Dear W,
I feel very sad about the distance between us the past several months. I feel like since we stopped seeing MC1, we have been drifting apart further and stopped working on resolving our issues. We are clearly having trouble in our marriage. I don't know about you, but I can't go on ignoring our issues much longer.
In the past we seemed to talk things through and work them out. We have been dealing with so many life changes the past couple years that it has strained our ability as a couple to wade through them together. I admit that I have struggled to adapt, and my issues have contributed a lot to our problems.
Sometimes I just want to talk and hear how you are feeling or thinking about things. I don't think we can sustain this much longer if we do not share our feelings with each other. Maybe going to a MC will make it easier for us each to open up -- if so, and you agree, I think we should start to go soon so we can work to get back on track."
