Persistent Endurance (Part 3)

[curtis7]

You pulled her towards you by the hair?

LOL. No, I didn’t pull her by the hair. Ok, I didn’t do a good job describing the embrace. I ran my hand through her hair and caressed the back of her head. My other hand was around her back as we hugged with her head over my shoulder.

Curtis your situation is nothing like PJs except your Ws have had multiple affairs. What makes you think they are the same?

Not the same, but similarities as in many sitches. Multiple affairs, BD’d and physically separated for about the same amount of time, both shuffling kids and co-parenting, neither of us willing to be martyrs indefinitely, both made many mistakes in applying DB principles, etc.

Enjoying holding a woman against her will is a little scary Curtis. You have to learn to control your emotions.

She wasn’t fighting or being held while trying to escape. She responded more like a neighbor or friendly acquaintance that doesn’t throw themself into your arms. I didn’t know how she would react. You may have a good idea based on the history of WWs, but I wanted to find out where she was at in that moment. I don’t regret it as it was a strong and confident action. It expressed that there is a paved and smooth path home for her. She may have previously viewed that path full of potholes and roadblocks based on my confrontation with her at the beginning of the month regarding living in an open marriage.

No matter how cruel her words and actions have been, the fact remains that I love this woman and she’s still the only companion I want to be with.

Why? Give me three reasons and don't use she is the mother of my children.

Reasons don’t capture the essence of why I love her. I love her because I love her. I never decided to be be with her, rather I chose to be with her. Therefore, I choose to love her, not based on reasons that are easily expressed. Nevertheless, I’ll take a stab at a few reasons. The kids are a major factor, but I’ll exclude them for the time being.
1) I am completely fulfilled mentally, emotionally, and physically with her.
2) I value my marriage vows and the promise I made to her.
3) I am in love with my best friend, she knew the darkest parts of me and loved me anyways.
4) I grew into an adult with her.
5) I am a better person because of her, she teaches me humility and how to love others.
6) I experienced passionate which later transformed into compassionate love with her.
7) I have an intimate bond with her and she will always be the most important woman in my life and I will always be the most important man in her life (ok, this one is mostly because of the kids)
Oh, was I supposed to stop at 3?

Don’t get me wrong, I live a great, low stress life. It truly has been amazing and I have been tremendously blessed. I have learned throughout this process that I don’t need her, but rather I want to be with her. She enhances my life in so many aspects. In my recent revelations and self-discovery, I’ve learned that I now crave a deeper connection with her. Something more substantive and meaningful. Intimacy rather than surface level attraction, closer to unconditional love.

I read a story about a woman on the radio that had been married for over 50 years. She said, “It's normal for a spouse to fall in and out of love throughout the many years of a marriage. The key is not having both people fall out of love at the same time." My W may have fallen out of love right now, but I have not. This is what gives us and our family a chance at surviving this crisis.

I also try to appreciate that my W is in a fog and she may eventually realize that the grass is not always greener. I want to be the lighthouse that represents a stable home environment and AMOAFWL. She may realize that she has a wonderful H that loves her and is a great father to our children. If she doesn’t, she stands to lose everything that is so dear to her. Her MR and family.

I try to remember that life is long. In the heat of the moment, what feels super important will likely fade in importance as time goes by. Before reacting by yelling, tossing insults, or unkind words, I remember that “This, too, shall pass”. So, I get strength from not letting one unfortunate incident, difficult argument, or challenging moment destroy my lifetime of happiness.

Look I don't think you helped or hurt your chances. Nothing changes. She is still free to date, come by and see her horse and the kids when she wants and has a free pass to come home if she hits rock bottom. Sounds like a pretty good deal for her right?

Yes, it does sound good for her. Although, I’m not going to wait around forever. Also, I can’t ignore how unhappy she must have been to walk away from everything that we have built and experienced together. While cheating is NEVER justified, I am sympathetic that these are her feelings and that she feels she can’t be with me right now.

"I am not there yet" is a WW breadcrumb that she hopes will keep you fat and happy for awhile.

We’ll see, and that might have been what I needed to continue DBing. Breadcrumbs give the LBS hope. Sometimes that helps to remind us that it is worth it to stay the course and continue to monitor for small improvements. I can ride this small nugget through vacation with kids until the end of June. Then, I plan to re-evaluate my sitch based on where the two of us are at.

Are you in IC?

I am not. W was last year which helped lead up to BD. I choose to better myself through self-help/improvement books, podcasts, confiding in a couple close positive minded friends, and obviously support from this community.

You just have to be careful not to jump the gun and try to reel her in every time you get a positive sign or it sets you back to the beginning. Go back to your GAL and giving her time and space. If you need physical touch then maybe go out dancing or something!

AS, you’re right. It had been so long since I had a positive vibe from her and rather than remaining patient and continuing to build on that over time, I tried to rush the process. I realized that as soon as I moved in to hug her. Lesson learned.

We all have 4 fingers pointing back at us when we are judging the spouses that walked away from us.
How selfish. Put yourself in her shoes.

R2C, I couldn’t predict her reaction with absolute certainty. She felt that I neglected her needs for a long time which contributed to the S. I thought it was important to show some vulnerability, that I’ve accepted where we’re at, and that I am a safe place if she chooses to return.