Quick journal. Not missing H at all really, feeling quite detached. He put a video of some birds on our icloud, birds we were discussing a while back. The most feeble temp check ever, he didn't even text it to me. Ignoring. He texted last night to ask how the new car was and I just gave him a thumbs up emoji.
Trying to work out what to say when he starts pushing back against me going dim. I am no longer frightened of his anger, I'm a much more assertive person than I used to be and I don't want that angry critical H back, ever. I even asked nicely in a restaurant yesterday if they could turn the music down. Practicing assertiveness here there and everywhere, which reminds me I must make a hotel booking for my weekend away because my friends are being useless. Happy to go by myself if they are too disorganised to book a hotel or respond to my suggestion that it's getting LATE to book. I have always been terrible at conflict and being assertive, it's taking a lot of effort to change that but I've finally realised you can be nice and still look after yourself and not be a martyr or a doormat. Looking at my mum, no wonder it's taken so long, I learnt that terrible behaviour from her and old habits die hard.
Anyway, when he asks what I've been up to or what my plans are:
-I'm going out with some friends -Who? Nobody you know, just a bunch of friends -Where are you going? -A bar If he tries to insist on more details -???
Thoughts:
You'll just have to trust me, won't you I don't feel the need to share any more than that
Any other ideas? I don't want to play games. I don't want to make him feel like I'm punishing him or pushing him away, just getting on with my life and letting him feel the consequences. If he can go off and make plans to do things without me, then so can I. But I am not being transparent with him if he is not being transparent with me. Maybe I should actually say that, but not in a threatening way, just being matter of fact.
Anyway, I'm off to GAL today, looking forward to it!
