I’ve been browsing through other threads periodically, just to see how people are doing, handling their sitch, whatever. Tonight something struck me --- My sitch doesn’t seem to be like any other. It doesn’t follow the familiar “script”. Now, maybe I just haven’t kept up enough outside my own sitch, but I see all the time posts that say how their MLCr said horrible things, accused the LBS of horrible things, changed history, and seem to follow the same path from BD onward.
My H hasn’t accused me of really anything, except when I confronted him about hooking up with OW again, he accused me of throwing him out of the house. No. I didn’t. We discussed it. He didn’t ask to stay. He’s just out there somewhere. Floating along. Not making any moves towards any decision (that I know of). I’m assuming he’s with OW. They vacationed together in April (H denies it, of course). But even after that, he said he was “beset with melancholy”. I guess she isn’t his ticket to paradise.
H hasn’t mentioned D, he’s still in monthly vacation rentals, still cuts the grass once a week, and leaves me completely alone. Doesn’t mention the $, just takes his allotted amount a month.
I wish sometimes that something would happen. Anything. Yes, my life if full. But lately I’ve had strong thoughts of just ending it. Telling H to just file already. He obviously doesn’t want to reconcile, so why hold on? I don’t understand, and I want to so badly. I want to shake him and say “I KNOW about your ugly past, and I don’t hate you for it.”. I want to say “please release me so I can totally move on”. I want to say “I know you hate yourself for all that’s occurred, but I don’t hate you. Let me help you”. But, of course, I won’t. All useless.
I’ve had a lot of thoughts lately of just telling him I’m done. But, I’m not sure it will change anything, as far as moving forward. I don’t think I have gone through the process to be done yet. I don’t really want to be done, but I don’t see any other way. My trust in God to work on H to redeem him is weak. I’ve been praying for God to help me strengthen that trust.
I’m trying to work through WHY I am not done. Is it fear of being totally on my own? Reluctance to split up all the savings we worked so hard for? Afraid to lose my home? Afraid for my kids? Wonder if there is a glimmer of hope we can reconcile IF H get the help he needs. This last one is still a strong feeling. On the other hand, why wouldn’t I be done after all that’s occurred? I’ve got a lot to sort out. I’m not in a hurry, yet.
D19 is struggling. She has her own issues and I think demons. Thankfully she is home for the summer, but I worry about her going back to school in the fall. She has really needed her mommy lately. I don’t think it’s because of my sitch specifically, but I’m sure that plays into it. Her dad has only seen her once for lunch since she’s been home – 3 weeks. They never message or call. Breaks my heart.
All these ponderings are here and there during full, active days. I’m thankful they aren’t filling up empty, lonely days.
