Thank you for the free validation lessons! I am chuckling at the amount of strike-throughs, I obviously need to tighten things up and limit the words.
Wait, who said they were free? Did you not get my invoice?
Quote
1. How do you handle longer conversations? Validation seems to work best in small doses -- the longer the convo runs, the more validation can start to sound hollow and robotic.
W: I'm upset. Me: I'm sorry you are upset. W: I'm upset that you never listen. Me: It must be frustrating to feel like you are not being heard. W: I try to tell you about my day and you're always on your phone. Me: ???
You are absolutely correct, now you're getting into "advanced validation", LOL! Basic validation would be "I'm sorry you are "_____", but it can start sounding repetitive. So you have to get more detailed:
W: I'm upset. Me: I'm sorry you're feeling upset, is there a way I can help? W: I'm upset that you never listen. Me: It must be frustrating to feel like you are not being heard. (VERY GOOD!) W: I try to tell you about my day and you're always on your phone. Me: Thank you for sharing that, I didn't know I was making you feel that way but it does make sense. This is an area I need to work on.
Quote
2. How do you handle direct questions that don't really express a feeling, but obviously have an undertone? Do you try to deflect into a conversation about her feelings? For instance, would this be an appropriate response:
W: Did you write me a letter? Me: No I can see that you are upset about not receiving a letter. Is that right? W: I'm not upset. Me: OK, can you tell me more?
Yes that is good, except don't assume you know her feelings, ask her what her feelings are. "It looks like this upset you, is that how you feel?"
Quote
3. Some conversations do not call for validation ("Is it supposed to rain today?"), some obviously do ("I can't stand when you XYZ") and some are unclear, but could be traps ("Did you fold the laundry like I asked?")
How do you handle the traps? Do you go straight to the feeling validation, or test the waters first?
W: Did you fold the laundry like I asked? Me: Not yet. W: Wow, big surprise. Me: I can see you are disappointed.
Yeah this is a really good question because it falls in a validation grey area. I would be inclined to initially handle it as a transaction:
W: Did you fold the laundry like I asked? Me: Not yet. W: Wow, big surprise. Me: I was planning on taking care of it as soon as I finish this.
If she continues to gripe about it, or if she pulls the silent treatment and sighing heavily, etc. THEN I would hit her with the validation questions:
"It sounds like you are frustrated, is that how you feel?" "Yes I just feel like I have to remind you over and over again!" "I can see why that would frustrate you, I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I will get on it as soon as I finish this."
