There's the rub indeed. I'm still too fresh not to care.
It takes time to get there, and that time varies from person to person. But WAS's have some kind of crazy radar for knowing when the LBS is really detached versus just pretending to be detached.
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She then stopped me later before we went to bed and said, why didn't you seem happier for me when I told you about my new things at work? I said, what do you mean? She said well I just feel like my sisters, family and friends would have been a lot happier to congratulate me. (In my mind I was thinking, well they weren't just deceived AGAIN about whether or not you're faithful to them in marriage).
OK so this is where validation gets tough because you just want to talk some sense into her, right? "But I was excited for you, how can you not see that???" But instead just listen to what she says, and validate. "It sounds like you are upset that I didn't express excitement about this, is that how you feel?" "Yes I just feel like you didn't say much about it." "I am sorry I made you feel that way, I am very excited for you, that's a great accomplishment."
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She brought up a time when I was insecure years ago and she had begun doing music for church and I didn't pay much attention to her. She could feel my indifference then, jealousy and disinterest.
I told her I was sorry for that time, but this was different. Especially because I came back inside from playing with our kids and congratulated her AGAIN to say how proud I was!!!
I understand, it's abundantly frustrating! This is where the LBS has to take the moral high road and not get drawn into an argument. She feels the way she feels even if it doesn't make sense. Validation is NOT agreeing with her, that's the beauty of it. You are simply acknowledging that she feels that way, and allowing her room to have those feelings.
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I decided tonight I will express my desire for a boundary. Going to say, I will continue to give you the time and space you need, find yourself, find your voice. But what I won't do is be your Plan B or be in an open marriage. This kind of disrespect I will not tolerate and quite frankly it concerns me that it is so easy for you to lie to me.
I told her this morning I'd like to speak with her tonight. She then asked a few minutes later, "Is this a scary talk?"
Just to remind you what we talked about yesterday- the boundary MUST have a consequence or it's meaningless. This type of boundary is a tricky one because the only consequence it can really have is separation or divorce. Like I told you yesterday, don't pursue this unless you are ready to state the boundary AND the consequence, and know in your heart that if it comes down to it you are ready to pursue that consequence through actions. As Steve and LH said, boundaries are about actions. If she ignores the boundary then you must take action, because if you don't then she loses whatever respect she may have still had for you. The boundary is for you, not a trick to "snap her out of it" or "get her attention". It is you deciding you will not tolerate her affairs AT ALL and if she pursues one then that's it, no more chances, you will proceed with separation or divorce immediately. If you are not 100% sure you can do that then give yourself more time. A week, a month, 6 months, whatever it takes until you are 100% sure.
