If you can't beat em, cheat em (thread 2)

[Davide]

I think the question of whether or not to date and when to begin doing so is a personal one, so I only feel comfortable talking about my own personal experience.

Dating has helped me detach and focus more on my future and less on my past. Without a doubt. It can be a form of GAL as well. Interacting with people in a social environment is crucial. It is easy at times to fall into the trap of social isolation when we are grieving.

I am very wary of dating for the wrong reasons. And I think I have been guilty of this at times. I don't think it should be used as a way to rebuild your self-worth, nor as a distraction from the pain associated with the grieving process. I do think that a lot of the growth and work we do on ourselves has to be done alone. I firmly believe that taking responsibility for our own lives and our own happiness is absolutely crucial in this process. I don't want to look outward for validation that should be located within. That is the recipe for an unhealthy or even co-dependent relationship.

I started dating about 7 months post BD. At the time I felt like I was operating from a place of strength, that I had a love and positive energy to share and wanted to find people I could do that with. I also came to realize that forming a family (my EW and I had no children) was something important to me as I moved on to the next phase of my life. I also looked at it as an opportunity to practice vulnerability -- putting myself out there with no guarantee of success but letting my true self be seen. It was also great to be able to put into practice the idea of approaching these dates with no expectations. My metric for success was not meeting the love of my life, but rather simply having an interesting conversation. Looking back now, I don't know that I was ready to be in a long-term relationship at that point (I'm still not sure if I am there) but I am happy with the intentionality and thoughtfulness that I brought to the process.

However I have also found that at times I have allowed dating to become a distraction from the work I still need to keep doing on myself. I have also found that I have at times let my self-worth become tied up in it, and let expectations creep back in. It is hard not to revert back to familiar patterns even if we recognize how unhealthy they are for us.

I would simply encourage all LBS' to be reflective and intentional about why they are dating and what they are looking to get out of it. Does it align with your core values?