LH's validation example was a good one. You want to keep your responses brief and to the point. You do not want to express YOUR feelings in validation, ONLY discuss HER feelings.
Originally Posted by unchien
OK I really need to work on this, but I have some follow up questions:
1. "U: I'm sorry that I made you feel that way." - Would it be better to say "I'm sorry that you feel that way"? (Don't want to validate her claim that I am making her feel a certain way)
In validation you seek out her feelings. The only questions you should ask are about how she feels. "It sounds like you are frustrated, is that how you feel?" "Yes, frustrated and angry!" "Frustrated and angry, yes I can see why that made you feel that way."
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W: Why did I not get one? U: I can understand how you would feel upset. It certainly was not my intent to upset you, or make you feel left out.
Don't explain your intent. Validation is strictly about understanding and acknowledging her feelings.
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W: (eyeroll) Then what was your intent? U: Recently when I wrote you a letter before a trip, I was not sure how you felt about it. Without any feedback, I thought maybe you wanted some space.
Don't explain. If she asks you a question like this then turn it back to her feelings. "You sound angry, is that how you feel?"
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W: Whatever. You are being weird and distant. U: I would like to understand more why you feel this way. I genuinely would like to know how you felt about my prior letter.
"I hear you saying you feel I'm being distant, how does that make you feel?"
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W: You wrote the kids letters and not me. That's messed up. U: It sounds like you are hurt and would have liked a letter too like the previous time. Is that right? I will keep that in mind next time I have a trip. Thank you for sharing, it is very helpful.
Don't make promises for the future, again just listen, seek to understand her feelings, validate her feelings. That's it. "I am sorry you are upset over this."
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W: Whatever. Stop playing games with me and the kids U: I'm sorry you feel that way, it was not my intent. You mentioned you were hurt by S7's reaction to the letters. That must have been really hard to hear. I will talk to S7 about this, so we can be united as parents.
Don't explain your intent. She feels a certain way regardless of what your intent was. When you try to explain your intent you are INVALIDATING her feelings. You are telling her she MISUNDERSTOOD you and her feelings are wrong. Do you see the difference?
Be careful about going into Mister Fixit mode too. That "I will talk to S7 about this" sounds like you are trying to be your W'd dad. Listen and validate, nothing more.
I wish everyone here had an opportunity to attend Retrouvaille, it is an absolute goldmine of info on validating. It's where I learned most of what I know about it. If you ever get a chance, do go.
