So? I recognise this in my WAW, and in myself. That we are both looking for different experiences in life apart, to give ourselves, our purpose, and our lives meaning. Here is what I struggle with though. I know im mature enough to realize that these experiences, even though they may shape us, will always be passing, and that contention comes from being satisfied with oneself, being comfortable in our own skin, being secure in who we are and where we are, and having contention connection, and satisfaction in relating to people, and usually having a healthy source of such.
Three random thoughts:
1. You are hitting upon MLC themes. Kids, career, the demands of life... it's easy to want to escape. It's easy to get bored and complacent. Even I'm bored in a lot of ways. But I see how life always changes, kids get older, and a strong connection with my W could helps us achieve a happy future. Some couples work through it together and come out stronger. They learn to connect, and support each other. They differentiate themselves and enjoy both individual and married life. They find ways to introduce excitement into a very routine life. They fight for it. Sometimes the demands of life are too overwhelming... one or both partners may not have the skills to work through it. They feel like they are drowning. Communication falters. Blame is assigned. The grass looks greener to one partner. They look at their spouse and start to resent them - resent the lack of growth, the lack of support. Some of it is fair, some is not. It doesn't matter. Divorced life looks like a better option. The spouse that wants to fight for the M has zero control. We come to DB initially with the promise of busting our D, and we stay because it's the only way we can manage this difficult transition in our lives without self-destructing.
2. Contentment with self is the goal. Many LBS (raising my hand meekly) are guilty of not working on this in the past. In that sense this process is a gift. I will be happier regardless of my M or future R's. The LBS has a narrative: "WAS is walking away from a good thing. WAS will not be happy in the future, they will always struggle to find their own happiness. I am changing, I have seen the light, I will be AMOAFWL (or AWOAFWL)." But it's too late, it took the pain of S or D to motivate the LBS to seek change. And it also may be erroneous to believe WAS is incapable of being happy on their own. Maybe we tell ourselves that to feel better.
3. In my case, it would be a lot easier to deal with if my WAS just said: "I feel like I will be happier outside this marriage than in it." It would be a gift for both of us. Instead, my theory is that in order to surmount the hurdle of guilt, my W has to build up a huge stockpile of anger and resentment. I have to have a Personality Disorder. I have to be a scary unpredictable person who can't handle divorce, who can't handle being a single dad. I have to be seen as a little boy who can't take care of himself. I'm going to screw her over financially. She needs to be secretive and sneaky about her plans for her own self-protection. Maybe I'm mind reading some of these things. It doesn't really matter. It is a coping mechanism for her. That way, WAS can live post-D guilt-free. But... I wonder if their future romantic R's will not end in similar fashion, if they haven't learned how to be content on their own. Maybe. Maybe she was capable of being happy herself, but I didn't learn how, and that broke our M. Somehow neither of us was content, and we failed to reconnect. Out of blind loyalty I assumed we could work through it. My W started thinking differently. I guess I understand. If you take kids out of the mix it makes perfect sense. I start thinking about these things, then I realize I need to let go and just focus on myself. The W I once knew is gone.
