Received a note from W today that she'll be in town this weekend and wanted to meet up for 10 minutes to start paperwork. My first reaction was that I was annoyed. I have a busy weekend and don't really want the "bleh" feeling I get when I see W interrupting that. However, I also don't want to procrastinate on this. If she's set on getting a D we can proceed.
So I gave her a single time I'm available, and I'll see if that works for her. I still don't want this, but I also don't want to keep having her interrupt this life I'm trying to build. I have no choice on my M, but I AM choosing to build an active and exciting life for myself here. If nothing happened and we were just separated for long term that would be fine with me. But the popping-up sporadically of "Oh I'm going to get things from the house" or "Oh here's what we need to do to get D" is getting old. Every step is closer to D. So might as well continue to proceed with it until it's complete.
I have this in my life until October when the house will be (likely) sold and I move out. It sounds like I'll be D by then too. So yeah, I have to hold on and recognize this will continue to happen for a while. After that I can choose to ignore or accept any communication from her. But right now these are not logistics I can hide from. Huh. Turns out that's a 180 for me. I always hid from unpleasant tasks.
It was interesting that my first emotion was "annoyed" and not "wildly hurt". I'm in transition with this situation for sure.
So in my personal life I'm still crushing on someone from afar. I will say that this has turned out to be an EXCELLENT distraction. I'm not pursuing (I don't think she's interested) but I do love the fact that I have someone to daydream about. On tough days especially it really helps get me through. I weirdly feel less lonely because I see that there is hope of love and lust in my future. I like the hope I feel when I think about her.
I stopped by her office just to chat and had a great 20 minute conversation. She's someone who I honestly would love to have as a friend - she seems really cool. Fun, social, and seems authentic. But in my head I am wildly distracted with complete lust. I don't know what it is about her that has me so infatuated but there's just some vibe I can't get enough of. Plus these hips that have me unable to stop biting my lip. If the opportunity presented itself I don't think I'd say no to her. And I don't think I'd regret that either.
She's actually a good match for me personality wise. That's also tricky, because I'm in no place for an actual R, so I really need to keep this a mental-only distraction. But UGH am I just trying to keep myself calm and collected in her presence.
So that's where I'm at today. There is pain, but there is also growth and distractions and trying to figure out what it is that I actually want in my future. I can see several paths forward. Some involve W, and some do not.
