Settling In (LB55 Thread 3)

[LB55]

I would love nothing more than to slowly reconnect with WW, but she has been and continues to be very disrespectful toward me and I've simply been taking it. Working on my boundary statements the next time we talk and she starts blaming and pointing fingers. "I feel disrespected and un-heard. I am going to walk away now. We can continue this conversation later." Something to that effect.

If she starts that then say "I will not be disrespected like this. If you continue this behavior then the conversation is over." THAT is setting a boundary. Simply walking away is not setting a boundary. Once the boundary is set, if she breaches it THEN walk away.

I understand and see the difference. I am bad at boundaries, Ive let her violate every boundary ive ever had in the first 5 years of marriage.

During our conversation in the driveway the other night she told me that she knows I hate her, my family hates her, etc.

Just validate- "I'm sorry we made you feel that way, that must have been very difficult."

She doesn't care how i feel right now, she knows how she thinks i feel.

But she was telling you how SHE feels, not you. She feels like you hate her. Don't disagree/ argue/ negotiate/ etc. Just validate. Now if she ASKS if you hate her, THEN you can answer her. "No I don't hate you, I can understand why you might feel that way but I don't."

Ok so I'm confused here. I don't see how to validate her telling me how I feel when I don't feel that way. If she said "I feel like you hate me." I can validate that because its her feelings. "I know you hate me." is not her feelings. How does she know I hate her? She can't possibly know what's in my head. The latter seems like the psychological concept of projection to me. She hates herself, but would rather have me agree because then its not her fault.

As I look back on our 15 years, this has been mostly a constant. "I know there is something bothering you", "I know you are upset", "I know you are mad at me", "I know that you didn't fix my car because you don't think I'm a priority", I could go on and on.

All great validation opportunities. If you argue then it's telling her "I don't care how you feel, this is all about how I feel." If you validate then you tell her "your feelings are important to me." Do you see the distinction? Validation is a key point in DB'ing and also in life. Learn how to validate well and you will become an emotional hero to everyone around you.

So I know not to argue with her, but I am still confused on the validation of feelings vice her statements that don't reflect how I actually feel, or what I was thinking, or why I did something. How does she "know" how I feel without asking me?

"You intentionally didn't fix the throttle on my car because you wanted me to die in a wreck and collect the insurance money for yourself." I just straight up disagree with that, I can't see how she would think that, and I certainly never had premeditated collecting insurance money. This is an actual thing I was accused of by her. If I validate her statement, then she says "I can't believe you intentionally did that to someone you loved!" Does she see validation as agreement with her statement?

Maybe I am over thinking this right now.