As I thought about it last night at dinner with friends, I need to get the D moving for my own sanity and health.
Often it does come to that. The only thing I would suggest is giving yourself some time to make sure you are positive it's what you want. Some LBS's decide that one day, then a few days or week later they're not sure again. So I usually suggest waiting a couple of months and if every day you still feel the same way then at the end of that time go ahead and file. I've seen it happen more than once where an LBS said they had decided they wanted a D, then told their WAS they wanted a D only to have their WAS tell them that was great because it's what they wanted too and then the LBS comes back here practically in tears because what he REALLY wanted is for her to freak out and beg him not to. So just make sure you are doing it for you and not to get a reaction out of her.
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I would love nothing more than to slowly reconnect with WW, but she has been and continues to be very disrespectful toward me and I've simply been taking it. Working on my boundary statements the next time we talk and she starts blaming and pointing fingers. "I feel disrespected and un-heard. I am going to walk away now. We can continue this conversation later." Something to that effect.
If she starts that then say "I will not be disrespected like this. If you continue this behavior then the conversation is over." THAT is setting a boundary. Simply walking away is not setting a boundary. Once the boundary is set, if she breaches it THEN walk away.
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She is very scared and is putting on a front of standing up for herself and happiness. I'm simply at this point trying to establish some non-threatening and effective communication paths. If that leads to reconnecting, then great! If not, it will still be a useful thing for us to be more effective communicators.
Agreed, sounds like a good approach.
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During our conversation in the driveway the other night she told me that she knows I hate her, my family hates her, etc.
Just validate- "I'm sorry we made you feel that way, that must have been very difficult."
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She doesn't care how i feel right now, she knows how she thinks i feel.
But she was telling you how SHE feels, not you. She feels like you hate her. Don't disagree/ argue/ negotiate/ etc. Just validate. Now if she ASKS if you hate her, THEN you can answer her. "No I don't hate you, I can understand why you might feel that way but I don't."
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As I look back on our 15 years, this has been mostly a constant. "I know there is something bothering you", "I know you are upset", "I know you are mad at me", "I know that you didn't fix my car because you don't think I'm a priority", I could go on and on.
All great validation opportunities. If you argue then it's telling her "I don't care how you feel, this is all about how I feel." If you validate then you tell her "your feelings are important to me." Do you see the distinction? Validation is a key point in DB'ing and also in life. Learn how to validate well and you will become an emotional hero to everyone around you.
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That type of statement really puts me on the defensive, because most times its not what I think or feel. Working on my non-defensive listening skills, and I am no longer trying to justify my position or feelings
