Do I have this right? You and W have the same IC, who is also your MC? Sometimes that is three different people, maybe most times. Interesting when one person hears all.
From what you’ve said, W seems to enjoy her sessions, she may even be responding well.
A little assurance for you. No one thing is going to “fix” this situation or her, and no one thing is going to destroy it or push her away.
There is a lot of advice about no manipulation; that is for you. Letting go and leaving the healing to the MLCer and fate is a good idea when the LBS is just starting out and very attached. One doesn’t want the responsibility of one’s action causing a worst situation. As I said, this is for you and to find detachment.
Do more of what does works and less of what doesn’t. There is a certain amount of trail and error in all this. If something is getting good results - great. If it doesn’t work, back off, and don’t try it again for a good long while. The latter case usually just causes the MLCer to take longer getting through whatever they are working on.
One does attempt to keep pressures minimized as an emotional person doesn’t react well to more pressure - they got enough of their own.
Asking her a few questions during counselling or even elsewhere is not manipulative, the two of you are just talking. The problem is for you, the timing. It would be better if detachment was more full, even into some indifference. Otherwise these conversations might reinforce certain feelings and ideas within you, which will spin you around.
I would suspect you are rather worried about her answers and her reaction, and I would not blame you at all. That is a pretty reasonable response considering when you are in all this.
Assurance number two: If you ask questions and she was to blow up and this goes sideways - not your fault. She is on her path, she has certain hills and valleys she needs to travel through. She can’t avoid them, and your asking might nudge her forward a bit. Consider it more like fate and she would have gotten there at some point.
The IC/MC is a professional, who speaks with both of you separate and together. Face to face. His suggestion of asking a question might actually be for you. For your growth and healing. I am guessing you find him to be a nice guy, competent, and helpful. So it is probably wise to listen to his advice.
Be honest and sincere with W. Remain detached. You are further along than you realize. Keep your emotions in check, do not let them get out of control, or control you.
Jealousy is a powerful emotion, and hard to get a grip on. It is best to keep that controlled during discussions.
You know your situation best. You are there and living it. Do you feel she is in MLC?
I feel this is more towards a transition or the very beginning of MLC. Time will tell.
Either way, your W is wanting to go to therapy, to movies, talk, still living at home, etc... Respond as she is.
I say, (as long as you’re strong enough) listen to the MC, ask your questions, listen to W, and see where this goes. Stay calm, nonjudgemental, and polite.
The focus is still on you. Your healing. Her answers or lack of them will tell you something. You keep moving forward.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
