One question that I find difficult to understand. Many posts I read indicated that they either reach acceptance within 1 year of BD or else it increases to 2-5 years. On the other hand, there are posts that say it is a marathon and 1 year is too less. Can someone help shed some light on understanding this?
Is there a way to recognize her moving closer to acceptance based on changes? Do any of these indicate anything? If she did not respect me earlier but is showing more respect now. If her blaming me for everything has stopped or reduced If she starts talking about the good in the marriage instead of rewriting history as bad If she compliments me on looking better since the BD
Is there a way to recognize her moving closer to acceptance based on changes? Do any of these indicate anything?
Even if there was a way, you shouldn't be looking for it. DBing while watching for "signs" never works. It is like watching a pot waiting for it to boil. You DB for you. For the changes it engenders in you. Never DB looking over your shoulder to see if she is watching.
If she did not respect me earlier but is showing more respect now.
You should command respect, never demand it. When disespect is shown you say "I will not tolerate this." Then walk away. Say it calmly without emotion. However, WAS waffle between disrespect and respect. Neither is a sign of anything other than how they are feeling and reacting at that moment.
If her blaming me for everything has stopped or reduced
Again this comes and goes. My WW would one minute remind me that I was a terrible husband. Then a half hour later admit that the problem was all on her end, that she was feeling things she didn't understand. Our sitches are long term states with day to day fluctuations. Never put any significance on the fluctuations. Getting too up over a positive fluctuation, or too down over a negative one will cause you to react in ways that set you back. It is anti to detachment. Avoid there temptation to take her temperature often to gauge how things might end up.
If she starts talking about the good in the marriage instead of rewriting history as bad If she compliments me on looking better since the BD
Think about when you broke up with a girlfriend in the past. Did you tell her "this was an awful relationship. I was not happy a single moment. And you're ugly and a terrible person!" Or did you highlight good times, and tell her she was attractive and would bounce back? WAS after the initial BD will sometimes go into the "let them down easy" mode. So how do you know if recognizing good times and compliments are real signs or letting you down easy? The answer is, you don't. And that's why you believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
The only "sign" that matters is consistent behavior over a long period of time. I'm talking months, and even years. When you can look back and realize she's been all in to the R for 12 months, or longer, then you can say you've turned the corner.
Marathon. Not a Sprint. Focus on you. Remove all focus from her.
Last edited by Steve85; 05/22/1912:21 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
