Your 180 should focus on you not her. Everything you mentioned is correct but it should be a secondary result. The actions themselves should be focused on your own well being not her reactions. I say this because I fall into the same trap and keep checking if I am getting a reaction from her but I feel the happiest when I personally feel better due to the 180
Sorry if this is a double post, I tried to reply earlier but it didn't seem to upload...
W mentioned a lot of 180s that she has noticed (GAL, stopping pursuit) but the trigger was that I wrote my kids letters before I left and not her. S7 remarked that maybe I liked my kids more than her. She went off about my recent GAL activities and distance. She said she didn't understand and wanted to talk about it.
I'm only saying I may tweak my 180s a little bit, specifically the distance (GAL I will keep doing what I'm doing). I have been pretty hard-line about the pursuit stopping / distance. I am comfortable taking a step back, showing my wife I care a little bit. But carefully and tentatively... The pursuit / distance thing isn't really so much for me to feel good (other than distance maybe helping me protect myself so I don't get triggered by a lack of affection for instance).
Originally Posted by MLCxH
If I were you I would try to DB and detach emotionally to the extent that the BD is nothing more than a confirmation of what you knew would happen in time. Do the work now and there will be no need to fight when the BD happens because there is no B in the BD since you already know.
MLCxH - I am hung up here on the BD issue.
Do I need to DB for myself? Absolutely.
Do I think BD will happen? Yes.
Should I be assuming BD will happen? Ehh... well it is definitely helpful to think about, so I can be better prepared. However, DB also teaches (if I am correct)... Don't read the tea leaves. Don't try to interpret clues. Don't try to get into your W's head. BD hasn't happened. It may never happen. Or it may happen 10 minutes from now. The confident and self-assured may can handle whatever comes his way.
I know 2 months from now I'll be typing a post how "You guys were right, I should have listened, I can't believe I thought I had a chance pre-BD, I should have done more to work on myself before this happened."
I'm just stuck... I look back... I realized things were bad with my M in March. It looks like the BD is coming anyways. It's not 100% certain, but seems at least 90%. What if I realized it earlier, in January? Or last summer? At what point does DB become the go-to method for handling a troubled relationship?
