Leaving for business trip, gave my kids a hug, wasn’t sure with W. Within 5 minutes of leaving the house, got an array of texts. How I have been super distant, how she can tell I just don’t want to be around her (she notices the GAL). Said she doesn’t understand but hopes we can talk soon. I caved a little (huge mistake, I know, please 2x4 me at will) and said that I also notice the distance, hope we can talk soon, and don’t think we are communicating well. Keep in mind I am pre-BD, not sure that changes anything as far as how to interact. I certainly feel 1000% more confident in myself than I did 4 weeks ago, as far as how to handle things on an emotional level.
It’s so weird... she seems so fueled by anger at everything I do, I know she is secretly at least investigating D as a realistic possibility, and yet... she’s angry at my distance too?! I know, it’s not supposed to make any sense.
I’ve had about 48 hours to process this now.
W has been distant while I’m away. One text per day, and I call W and kids at night to say I miss them and love them.
I’m struggling here. Her actions and words have been inconsistent. I know I need to stop trying to figure out what she’s thinking. The fog is thick.
On the one hand, I can take the advice of a D’d friend (which would basically line up with DB). Tell her you want to talk too, but don’t over-communicate. Let her come to you. It’s a 50/50 game.
On the other hand, I can take the advice of a different friend. Ignore the anger, ignore the fog — my W did actually say “hopefully we can talk about your distance soon”. Take that opportunity. Wait until I get back next week, and tell her (not e-mail or text, but verbal) that I also want to talk about the way things were when I left, and that I’m here for her when she’s ready. In the meantime, don’t over communicate, but call every day just to say I miss her and the kids. The idea here is not to admit 100% blame, but provide some sort of opening for an angry, hurt, confused W to at least open up to me. Maybe from that stepping stone we can go to MC and have a 3rd party help us work through things. She made a slight indication, which is a major improvement.
That second idea is a very anti-DB idea... I know. This friend’s position is basically: Ignore all the inconsistencies in what she says. However, she did mention talking, so basically, call her out on it. The worst thing that could happen is she says no.
Here is where I’m at emotionally... I’ve spent almost 2 months now in agony about my M. The 1st month in histrionic chasing mode, the 2nd more subdued and working on DB. I finally feel confident no matter what my future holds.
I have received a GIFT — being able to see the potential BD in my future. I have had the time to find DB and work on myself. I would have been an absolute train wreck if I was caught by surprise. Instead I at least know that I can fight my way through a BD if/when it happens. I’m not going to die. Everyone here on this forum has shown me that. I’ve got a ton of work to do.
So back to the sitch at hand. My W noticed the DB efforts, loud and clear. She is upset, she is angry, she wants to talk (or at least texted that). Maybe it was a fit of rage and she has forgotten. Maybe in the next week her armor will go back up. But at least I can come home next week and say that it seemed like we both wanted to talk, and maybe start Something? Otherwise it’s just the stalemate continued...
