Settling In (LB55 Thread 3)

[LB55]

Ok so question here, one of her comments to me when I asked about putting together a timeline to get the D moving was this: "Why are you in a hurry? Got wife #2 lined up already?"

I simply replied that I would like to see forward progress for my own health, and that I don't have wife #2 lined up already, because that isn't fair to anyone involved.

I'm sure I've read this before, but why do they throw the brakes on D so quickly? I mean this is her only goal in life since December, and now that I want to move forward instead of dragging my feet, she wants years to evaluate her finances and make sure we don't make a mistake financially? D is a financial disaster.

Well like Vapo said she probably wants to keep you on as Plan B. You've also done a pretty effective job of removing all pressure from her. You've handled yourself with dignity despite her terrible treatment of you and that may very well have her thinking that maybe you're not the demon she had convinced herself you were. But I think you are getting ahead of yourself inviting her to have these nice convos with you, for now you should really try and maintain as much distance as possible. Stick to "business only", just talk about kids hand-offs and such. It's too soon to try to reconnect with her.

Her anger is still clouding her thinking ability. She still wants to punish me for everything, I believe anger is behind her actions to take the kids away, to kick me out in the way that she did, to fight over money so hard, etc. How long can one stay angry?

Yes this is exactly why I'm suggesting maintaining distance. She will be angry at you as long as you are present. Remove yourself from the equation and she'll eventually discover her anger was misplaced, that you are not in fact the root of all her unhappiness.

Thanks for the insight and compliment on my behavior. I am working hard to change my attitude and behaviors, specifically with non-defensive listening and validation of feelings without agreeing.

As I thought about it last night at dinner with friends, I need to get the D moving for my own sanity and health. Regardless of what she wants or does, I am going to get my ducks in a row and schedule the mediation and if needed set the trial date to get this over with. I discussed with my L my desires, and she is going to help me get the process moving. I don't need it to finish ASAP, but I can't sit in limbo because its driving me crazy. If I want the situation to improve, I've got to drive the bus now.

I would love nothing more than to slowly reconnect with WW, but she has been and continues to be very disrespectful toward me and I've simply been taking it. Working on my boundary statements the next time we talk and she starts blaming and pointing fingers. "I feel disrespected and un-heard. I am going to walk away now. We can continue this conversation later." Something to that effect.

I'm not trying to reconnect in the sense of re-kindling the M. Her personal space bubble is still about 7 feet, i don't try and get closer, just talk from there. She is very scared and is putting on a front of standing up for herself and happiness. I'm simply at this point trying to establish some non-threatening and effective communication paths. If that leads to reconnecting, then great! If not, it will still be a useful thing for us to be more effective communicators. We both struggled to convey what we wanted, instead hoping the other would figure it out because they loved us, and it led to lots of resentment and anger. She has done what she has done, while it hurts, I'm not angry about it, no matter how many times she tells me she knows that I am angry.

I'm going to keep working at it, moving forward for me and the kids.