How did YOU get a life?

[SteveLW]

Steve 85. Your list of "to do's" are literally and exactly what I did before BD which made W feel she was being ignored, and I was "just off doing my own thing" while W wanted to just either sit and watch reality tv, get out with people, or road trip on a whim taking little responsibility for house maintenance on her end. It was always a struggle and a balancing act in completing things for me not only because of her social schedule but because I was doing most of the work, plus working and traveling. On my end, in all fairness, stiff would get backed up around the house because of work travel, or being too exhausted, or getting up too early and home too late. Then when I would take time to go to the range for myself every now and again, or tactical train, that was viewed as me being selfish not helping her enough. I miss going to the range. Haven't been there in a year. All this division of labor, and seperatism, and my demanding nature that W do her share, but me not completing mine is what mostly lead to the downfall. Loved cleaning my guns more than I did shooting them. Used to clean them once a month. I've transferred them else where since BD, "just in case", but W still retains pistol I got her that she has never fired. I was trying to get her for the range for 3 years for some safety and proficiency training. But she would never do it with me, or commit. Ironically now she's thinking about going there with Brothers ex-girlfriend who is now divorced some different guy. it's really strange all the things I want to do in the places I wanted to go 6 months to 5 years ago. Like growing crops homesteading living rural, being a minimalist, etc. Is all the things that the wife wants to do now away from me. All these things was never interested in before. My younger brother said it's not that she didn't want to do these things, she just didn't want to do them with you. My pool is black right now.m lol.. But ill get it clear. Have perfected that,

IHC, this is a typical problem that LBSs have. "She said X, Y, and Z........because of what I did prior to BD." And they think a 180 is to to things different after BD.

This is really 2 mistakes: 1) You are believing what she says. 2) You think that the complaints on BD are things you should immediately 180 on.

Obviously, 1 is always wrong. Believe nothing they say. 2 is just a bad idea.

For instance, a WAS says to their LBS, "ILYBNILWY, need space, and my biggest complaint is lack of sex." So that night the LBS says "I guess I should 180 on the lack of sex" and tries to initiate. How do you think that would go?

The mistake LBSs often make is thinking they can fix things by doing things they should have done pre BD, or not doing things they shouldn't do pre-BD, It is kind of like a car and routine maintenance. Doing the routine maintenance like changing the oil will keep the car running well. However, if you neglect the maintenance, and don't do the oil changes, once the engine seizes up changing the oil would be a waste of time.

SO IHC, (and for Sh74), you stay busy to give her time and space, regardless of what her complaints were pre-BD. After BD, trying to spend time with her is the wrong approach, no matter what her pre-BD complaints were.

Same thing happened in my sitch. I had isolated myself. We were ships passing in the night in the house. After BD, I talked her into MC. MC had us do Love Languages. Her main one was Words of Affirmation. Second was Quality Time. She verbally rebelled against that. "I do NOT want to spend quality time with you." Pre-BD spending QT would have been a perfect "oil change" for our MR. After BD the engine was seized and oil changes became superfluous.