"It's their rationalization hamster. They will rationalize it like this- "I'm not happy and the kids will see that and they will not be happy either. If I get out of this M then I will be exceedingly happy and the kids will see that and be happier too. Therefore separation and divorce are GOOD for the kids." You can send her reams of data explaining otherwise, but there is NOTHING that can trump the rationalization hamster. He is busy running running running in that wheel all day and night."
My EXWW literally just said "The kids will be fine".
So she decided the kids will be fine, she didn't actually ask them if they would be fine or consider their needs or if they would be ok with living with each parent 50% of the time. She just made a determination that they would be "fine".
They don't care about ANYTHING but themselves. Its all about "me me me me me" with them. Thats it, nothing else. Pure unadulterated selfishness. They will also have no problem telling you how selfish they are and that only they matter.
These statements are right on the money. I had a conversation with W last weekend about this, about how our S1 will never know an intact family, how sad that is, how he may or may not wind up screwed up later in life because of it, (and I know from experience because I have seen it first hand from nieces and nephews from divorce and seperation.) I'm not advocating we stay together for time being, but they really don't think about the long term affects. Even though not advisable, I did point out how selfish this was. Her justification was that it would be better for her as an individual and parent, to be happy, find her happiness, find her tribe or whatever. That in her mind, the risk vs reward of seperation and divorce far outweighs and benefits her and S1 more than staying and working out things together. So I told her then you better be prepared and willing to have that conversation when the time comes, and your justified reasons, because our S1 is going to get an entirely different story from me. She's convinced that its good that he is young so he won't remember or know any better, that its better to break up the family when they are this young. She thinks she is doing him a service.
I asked my W what are you going to tell our son when he is old enough to ask, and has questions about S and D.
And...This is from the horse's (I mean WAW's.) mouth and I quote....
"Just because we have a history together, doesn't mean we should stay together"
"Our issues and our situation are unique"
"I looked five years down the road and it made me cringe"
Me: "How do you think separation, and co-parenting is going to look like?"
"Well that's the thing... I'm doing this for him. We are separating because I feel that me being happy is more important, is and being a better example for him, is being better parent for him, rather than doing the right thing."
"I am still having trouble seeing the downfall and the role that I played in the failure of the marriage."
There are many more irrational quotes that I haven't included that sound insane, but scripted, common, and normal to us here going through it.
Even though i remained calm in front of her, that conversation pissed me off so much, realizing just how selfish, my once very thoughtfull, giving, and kind W has turned. This is not someone I want to remain married to, and started getting all my papers and affairs in order to push through the D. I have yet to file. I do understand partially her side of it though. This is coming from someone and is the result of someone who has been people-pleasing, and has been the caretaker for over 30 years, and is taking the time to make herself happy, find herself, work on herself (I think?) So even though I don't agree with the selfishness I can understand why, when is if someone's perception that they've been putting everyone else first than themselves last for so many years, and how they can lose their identity.
My perception is I would rather be unhappy in a certain area of my life and happy in the others, work on things and figure things out, learn better coping skills and mechanisms, and make sacrifices for children. They don't see it this way. Their happiness comes first, for the benefit of the children, or so they portray. I think there is a different way of thinking with this between a man and a woman and the sexes. Still selfish though IMO.
