Complex WW and/or MLC #3

[P_Jam]

Sandi,
Thank you for taking the time to go into such detail. I’m not sure I can specifically disagree with any of your points. Only that we both know this is a process - both the NMMNG change as well as detachment- and therefore I will still take actions that are motivated by wanting her to see the changes. I will not try to deny that I want her to see the changes but it’s important for you to know; it isn’t the ONLY motivation.

I know the letters (and I’ve written 2) don’t align with DB’ing. But I do believe that in my specific situation both myself and W are LBS’s to some degree. I want to own my % of the breakdown of the M. And I wanted her to know that I could articulate and own these aspects completely separate from hers. I wanted her to know that she is a wonderful mother and that I appreciate what she has done in the past. Maybe “nice guy” stuff but it is authentic. It is not about getting something in return this time. It is not a covert contract. I wanted to say it no matter what happens in our R.


You asked how things have changed for me in regards to NMMNG… It’s not easy to articulate because although there are specific “changes” that I need to make in my actions (and some thought processes) its more about understanding who I really am ALREADY and being comfortable with that! One of the most important issues I have is being a people pleaser. Really needing people to ‘like’ me and through this process I’m learning to understand better who I really am (without other’s perceptions guiding me). I do still have a long way to go, being a people pleaser for so long (like a chameleon) I’m not 100% sure who I really am, but I am actively (daily) focusing on not having to be ‘something’ for other people. She’s only been out of the house for a month and although I miss our family, I don’t actually feel lonely. I’m enjoying the time and space very much. It’s a big change and it doesn’t feel normal yet – but I am enjoying it. As I expected, GAL has come VERY easy to me. I’m growing my social activities and network very aggressively and while I’m doing this – it’s happening much more naturally. I’m not gaining friends by being someone that I think they want me to be. I’m being ME - the currently ‘broken’ separated person that I am right now. The neophyte. It’s not always easy to talk about my situation with everyone but that’s because I don’t want to be focusing on it all the time, not because I’m scared to share it or to let people know who I really am or what is going on. I’m also noticing significant changes in my ‘perfectionism’. In numerous ways I have dropped a lot of this. I’m becoming more and more comfortable doing and being enough without trying to make everything perfect. I’m just way more comfortable doing what I WANT and not what I think others want. I’m much better at confrontation. This site is a good example. I like the advice here but I also like advice that is sometimes opposite so I’m doing WHAT I THINK IS BEST and I’m here giving all of you that information even when I know you are going to disagree with me.

Correct, I probably would not have wrote her a 2 page letter for Mother’s day if she did not leave me. But the letter/sincerity is a 180 for me and so I took the opportunity of Mother’s day to write the letter. Sandi, I do understand that the letters and the ‘talk’ can be more of the ‘nice guy’ stuff. I guess I should just not be interested because she cheated on me. However, I cheated on her as well. I’m trying to be as honest and objective as possible I’m not lying to you or myself (at least not trying to) – but as stated many times before I am also taking SOME advice from my IC which differs from DB. I’ve been open and honest about this. I’m not trying to mask anything – it is MY way forward. Which leads me to my most recent update (which you/DB and my IC) will most likely disagree with.


Had a great weekend GAL spent a lot of time on the golf course as well as going out with friends and meeting 2 different females that I’m confident I will hang out with again.  this is probably what everyone but me will disagree with as a positive thing (this early in my sitch). I got their numbers have we have texted a couple of times.
I also met with my W on Sunday to verbally finalize the expected Child Support, parenting plan, and financial settlement document. Quick recap in my state we were in an ‘intimate committed relationship’ (not a full marriage) so in essence once these documents are signed and filed with the court… there is nothing left legally regarding our R. So if we so choose, we can consider the “D” final. I think the talk went well. She still must sign the documents and she may want an increase in CS – but she will have to get an attorney and fight me on it if she doesn’t accept as is. Financially I believe her spending the money on an attorney and going through this will be a net lo$$. So NONE of this conversation was “nice Guy” trust me on that! I was firm, I was fair, but I got everything EXACTLY how I have wanted it from day one. I did not waiver at all and made this clear. Then I initiated a R talk. I told her that I would still like to see if this R has the ability for reconciliation and that I would be willing to date her again. HOWEVER if we move to this step I would expect monogamy during that time. She understood this request. I told her that offer will not stand indefinitely. I told her that I believe the time/space has been great for both of us and that I think right now is too early to make any final decisions, but I don’t believe she should need too much more time to decide if this family is worth working on or not. I do not like being “in limbo” and I either want to pour all of my energy into us and reconciliation or I want to pour it into a new life. I told her that I have some things that I want to do this summer and I said I don’t picture myself going the entire summer not knowing if I should be planning these events with her, the family, or other people. She asked “like what” – I said: “it shouldn’t matter – you would need to decide first”. She talked about the letters again and how much she appreciated them, she talked about missing me (I also told her I missed her). Then I hugged her, Kissed her, and we had sex! First time in 5 months. I initiated 100% of it but she responded 100% in return. I DO NOT THINK THIS MEANS ANYTHING. I did it because I wanted to. I knew I could, I had withheld all of that attention previously. Mostly to ‘not be a nice guy’ but also I had hoped that withholding would maybe ‘bring her around’. This time, it is what I wanted, so I went and got it. Then… I was about to miss my scheduled Tee time so I had to rush her out. She kinda gave me a funny look (as my time golfing and being a way from the house was a huge BD issue) but It wasn’t my weekend with the kids and the sex was over – so I walked out the door with her, locked the house, said have a nice day and went to the course.  not a nice guy thing!
This relationship may not work out – I get that! But I’m still confident that my situation is a bit unique. I still fear that she WILL come back and work on this but may not be willing to do all the things I would want moving forward (transparency plan, possibly new job, etc) or maybe she just cheats again. But no matter how objectively I try to look at this situation, her actions, I cannot get this sitch to fit into the normal WW box that seems to be so black and white on this site. This does not mean you are wrong, only that I am going to handle this situation how I feel is best, and I will continue to share that information here for you all. Again, I hope you are all still willing to provide your time and advice despite my resistance to SOME of your suggestions. I did what everyone told me not to.. and I did not get BD again. At least not yet, which I acknowledge is still possible. I may be plan b right now, or maybe plan C. Doesn’t matter. I’m not even sure she is Plan A for me. We have so much to work through. I just want that opportunity and I don’t believe she has to be totally broken (in my sitch) to get that opportunity. In my head, I think the most difficult part will be making sure I maintain my requirements and boundaries if and when she does say that she would like to date again, or ‘work’ on it. I am fearful of taking her back to soon, but because she is already out of the house I do not see dating or some commitment to work on it (with monogamy) to be taking her back. Only the first step.