I agree with ST and LH, lawyer up ASAP and make sure you are protected from all the debt she is accruing. Does she have her own CC or is it in your name as well? If in your name then FULL STOP on that right away. WAS's and especially MLCers can rack up debt at an astonishing rate and more than one LBS has been shocked to find they are responsible for half of it in the D, sometimes even after S. And of those, many of them also got a cold slap in the face when they found out the debt was way, WAY more than they thought they knew.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I don’t know if anyone can answer this question, you said with Lots of space and time you said she may find me attractive again? What is it about the space and time that will do it?
R2C covered it well but basically she blames you for everything from her current unhappiness to why she made a D on a math test in the 2nd grade. You've got to "remove yourself from the equation" before she'll start to realize that her problems are following her wherever she goes. The more you can distance yourself then the easier it will be for her to figure this out. With time she'll start remembering that maybe Wolf wasn't so bad after all, and we did have some good times, and then when she sees you looking confident, stronger, happier, better dressed she'll think "oh wow, what am I missing out on?" That's the point. You give her time and distance and you go about the business of making yourself Wolf squared. Super Wolf. Make her kick herself for leaving. As the saying here goes- "make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave." My addition to that is "...and if she leaves, well then she's a fool and do you want to be with a fool?"
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AS that makes me feel good that you found someone that really makes you happy. I look at that as a success story. Sorry if I made it seem like anyone who got divorced not a success. Like I said in previous posts for me it’s just the fear of the unknown, the fear of starting over and honestly speaking just pisses me off what I dedicated to this family to end up here!!
I totally understand that, we were all there. Fear of the unknown is very real, and very frightening. Eventually you will cross that boundary into the unknown, and it won't be as dark and scary as you think. Maybe at first, but eventually it'll be your "new normal" and you will find peace, and beyond that even thrive. But right now it's dark and scary looking there.
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The part I want to talk about though is my kids. I miss them dearly when I am not with them. I try to keep myself busy and GAL as much as possible. But there are still periods when I am not busy every second. Those are the moments I want to just breakdown and cry. My kids have always been my world!!! As I write this I am tearing up. How do I deal with the loss of my kids? Is it just time? I try to fill my days up but it’s hard to fill every second.
Don't be afraid to cry, just try not to around W or the kids. I've relayed this many times but I grew up in a "boys don't cry" environment. In the months after BD I quite literally cried more than I had in the first 50 years of my life added together. I cried on the 30 minute drive to work. I cried on the drive home. I cried in my closet. I cried in the backyard. I cried at how helpless I was to stop the crying. Eventually I cried less and less until it finally, blessedly stopped. But you've got to let it happen, don't try to stop it or it will just come out worse later. Interestingly I don't think I've cried once in the years since then, since well before D. Anyway your feelings are real, own them.
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AS you said something (sorry I don’t know how to do those quote boxes) about how in her mind the m was that bad that she needed to get out. But how does someone do that knowing they won’t be with their kids all the time??
It's their rationalization hamster. They will rationalize it like this- "I'm not happy and the kids will see that and they will not be happy either. If I get out of this M then I will be exceedingly happy and the kids will see that and be happier too. Therefore separation and divorce are GOOD for the kids." You can send her reams of data explaining otherwise, but there is NOTHING that can trump the rationalization hamster. He is busy running running running in that wheel all day and night.
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Is it normal for me to feel disgust for her doing this??? Or a sense of real anger that she is putting our family though this?
That's your POV. Hers is that this is all because of you. The truth is probably somewhere between those two extremes.
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She called because she is crashing and burning with money. My w was always a big spender. No joke we would spend about $30-$35k a year just on vacations. We would go out to dinner all the time. She buy brand name bags and clothes, you get the drift. Now that she doesn’t have my money she is putting herself into serious debt. And of course who is she blaming... yup me. How she has no money, she can’t keep paying for all these things, that I am screwing her with the house that she has to keep it and take care of it by herself
Listen and validate.
"It sounds like you are frustrated, I can certainly understand why you feel that way."
"So you will send me more money?"
"No, we're both on very tight budgets now. I am having difficulty getting by and really need to watch things closely."
"BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEE IT'S ALL ABOUT ME I NEED A NEW PURSE"
"I am sorry you are struggling, it must be very difficult."
"HOW DARE YOU BLAH BLAH BLAH"
"I will not be disrespected, if you can't discuss this calmly I am going to hang up."
"WHAT???? WHO DO YOU..."
-click-
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Duh what did you think was going to happen in d? That I would still go over there and take care of the house? I’m sure that’s what she was thinking.
It doesn't matter. Don't expend energy on this kind of negative thinking. Around her- listen and validate. That's it. When not around her- what can Wolf do today to make himself a better dude?
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When she didn’t want me in the house anymore, yet she is now throwing that in my face. I responded back to the text with: Look I know you are frustrated with everything. I appreciate that you brought it down. If you would like we can discuss this further later when I am done here.
Very good. Keep your cool. Listen and validate. Nice job!
