Soon to separate, Possible WAW

[sandi2]

I feel that I don’t have much alone time at home because her mom is always sitting with us except an hour before bed. I don’t feel comfortable being affection to my W in front of her MIL, I will work on this if given the chance. I realize I didn’t verbalize my discomfort about her mom being around too much, that is my fault.

I understand. We lived in the house with my MIL, and I was very shy and uncomfortable if my H tried to kiss me in front of her. I just wasn't use to it. I don't suggest that you make out in front of your MIL, b/c it would probably be uncomfortable for her mom.

Sandi I’m pretty confused about her thoughts. Yes she likes the changes I’ve made and I do think she’s attracted to me. But every time she has made a comment about me being with other woman I’ve tried to tel her that “this isn’t what I want”. I think I’ve made it more than clear that I want to work on the MR. She hasn’t reciprocated that yet. Yesterday I brought up her plan to see other people when we separate because although she mentions me dating often, I hadn’t heard her talk about herself dating in a few weeks. She said “that’s not my intention but sure” (in reply to me asking if she would see other people. So she seems to say I’m not going out with the goal of meeting someone but I’m not going to shy away from it.

Okay, it's time to drop that subject and not bring it up again.

. I had this image of a strong no BS man I wanted to be in my head and I displayed that by being emotionally distant and non affectionate. I used to think acting like that was strong, but now I view it as weak. Well we made out passionately last night so I guess that’s a start. Hopefully I get the chance to again soon haha.

Is that the model you saw when growing up? A strong male leader will not take his W's b.s., bullying, manipulation, verbal disrespect, etc. He isn't afraid to call her out on bad behavior. Being a strong man doesn't mean you can't be sensitive to your W's needs. You can be loving and affectionate without being a doormat. The problem nice-guys have is they think doing 100% of the housework and child care will make their W happy. They think if they wait hand & foot on the princess, they will score brownie points. They fear her anger so much that they act more like her servant than her H. They don't know how to balance how much they do, or where to draw the line. They don't know how to enforce boundaries. So, the W stops doing less & less, and instead of appreciating her H for all the work he does.......she develops a sense of entitlement and loses respect, b/c she doesn't see through eyes of admiration for him as a man.

The longer I read stories from men who have nice guy syndrome, the more I see where they genuinely don't know how to balance how much they do, or when to stand up and call the W out on disrespect, etc. They seem clueless as how to interact with a disrespectful W.

We tell newcomers to begin by detaching, and men who lived their lives with NGS panic at the thought of detaching. Many of them have no clue as to how to GAL, b/c they basically gave up anything that did not include the W or she disapproved of his GAL. When he hears about doing 180's, he makes it all about pleasing his W, so she won't leave him.

So yeah Sandi I’m just unsure of where to go from here. Everything I’ve read says go LRT. But my W has been very receptive to my affection and touch. Part of me thinks that if we can spend time together like once a week while separated maybe we can rekindle R. But I guess it’s up to her now.

You start by following the instructions in Divorce Remedy. I want you to understand that if she really is wayward, she may try to keep one foot in both worlds. We call it cake eating. Here's the thing, the H needs to keep his head clear so he can see what she's really doing, rather than what he wants her doing.

I remember working with a couple of young women and observing their relationship. One was married and the other tried to present how cool it was to be single. She kept putting this other girl's life down, telling her she wouldn't put up with her H, etc. So, eventually the M girl got a D, b/c she wanted to have the life she thought this other person had. Later, she got back together with her H........who she really loved. She had just let this other female have too much influence over her. Your W may go through with the S, but it doesn't mean that you'll never R. Hopefully, she will realize what she has lost and will want to R.

I can usually tell right away when there is a WW in the M. But this one.......well, I think between you not filling her emotional needs (LL), and her friend whispering in her ear.......she is being persuaded to leave an unhappy MR. I may be wrong. This may be nothing more than her temp checking., to secure her Plan B. I think you'll find out soon enough, if she starts hitting the bar scene, looking for men. Or, if her new friend turns out to be a guy, and was using a fake name/disguise when texting.

If the separation is to get my undivided attention, how will I know? And how do I react? I think I’ve made it clear that I want to be with her still. Am I supposed to pursue some? Maybe ask her if we can date once a week or something? What do you think?

No, don't pursue. B/c if the separation was intended to get your attention, then she will want you to pursue to get her back. The thing is, you don't want her up leaving at the drop of a hat. We know she already has your undivided attention at this point, but this is the only separation you want to experience.......right? You can express your feelings to us.......but don't share them with her. If she's silly enough to ask you how you feel about her leaving, then honestly tell her that it doesn't make you happy.......but that you will survive. If she asks if you think the two of you will ever reconcile, then I suggest something like, "Who can predict the future? I would never had predicted we would separate". Don't go into a long discussion about your feelings, or your thoughts. The fact that she was asking similar questions right before the move out date, is why I think she has concern and might be trying to use it to open your eyes. If she's involved with some OM, then that's a different story.

Until you hear something that indicates she is shopping around, or is indeed seeing OM, let's take this a day at a time and see how things go. So when interacting with her, don't use tacky behavior. You don't have to be cold, say unkind things, make her the butt of your joke, etc. If you don't pursue her, I think she'll be texting you over the slightest excuse. You can respond if you aren't in the middle of something and have time. Otherwise, she may have to wait for you to respond. If she texts something that has an air of disrespect, then you might consider whether or not you want to interact or respond. As long as she keeps her conversation polite and free of jabs.......then you can respond in a friendly manner. Make her do the pursuing, b/c she's the one that left. Just avoid comments about the relationship, the separation, chance of reconciliation, etc. At least, for now........b/c maybe she needs a little taste of how things would be without your availability. Know what I mean? That's why you can't pursue her, and why you shouldn't initiate contact and/or try to keep the conversation going if she contacts you. You aren't a jerk, but after all, if she doesn't want to live with you.........why would you chase her? If she feels attracted to you, then you can "draw" her back.

For now, I wouldn't initiate calls/texting, unless it is strictly about the child. When interacting in person or over the phone, use your friendly voice. Don't ask her about her social or personal life. Even if she asks about yours (and I think she will), don't pry into her business. Show an upbeat attitude when she's respectfully interacting with you. However, let me make something clear, for any H who doesn't grasp this concept. I've seen some newcomers go way over the top, all in the name of showing his W how upbeat he can be, but he just looked foolish b/c his timing was off. Listen, if your W is upset, angry, or trying to discuss something serious.......that's not the time to act like a clown (unfortunately, some guys think that's the behavior when being upbeat). If she's showing disrespect toward you.......don't act a nut. If she verbally disrespects you, that's not the time to show glee. That's the time to call her out. But if she's not directly disrespecting you, or verbally abusing you, then try to keep your interaction light, short, and with a PMA. Does this make sense?

I don't suggest asking her for a date right away. That is huge pursuit. Give her space and some time to deal with her feelings and let her see how she likes having you out of her life. Although, you won't be completely out, due to the co-parenting the child. Have the two of you set up a parenting schedule? For now, I don't think you need to be running to her place in order to see your son.......if you have a schedule in place. The left behind H will often use it for an excuse to see the other parent, but I think she'll see right through his actions. The first few days and weeks will be tough, but use this time to really polish your character traits, personality, and how to interact with others. If you have flaws when engaging with others, then correct those flaws. Use this time to read books about what women want/need from their H.

Everything I’ve read says go LRT. But my W has been very receptive to my affection and touch. Part of me thinks that if we can spend time together like once a week while separated maybe we can rekindle R. But I guess it’s up to her now.

Have you read MWD's description of the LRT? How do you see LRT? Just b/c you feel she has been receptive to your affection, doesn't mean all lights are flashing green. I suggest you follow MWD's instructions for LRT. I don't think it will hurt your situation. Now when I see a sitch where the H is obviously dealing with a woman who has developed a hard/cold heart.......I usually advise him to get much tougher than the book suggests.

One of the things MWD say about the LRT, is don't schedule dates! She lists other things that come under the heading of Stop the Chase, on page 127. The LBH should adhere to this list, when his W has physically separated from him. Even if your W is separating to get your attention, you don't chase her. MWD says as long as your spouse seems somewhat interested rather than pulling away, then it is okay for the M to be in this holding pattern. I think this is where many H's mess up. It's as if they are fighting the clock, and want to get the W back just as quickly as possible. When she leaves the MR and her H pulls away, it may cause her to have second thoughts and want to return home. However, if you allow her to return and act as if nothing has happened, it will be only a matter of time until you will face the same scenario again. So, pace yourself and cautiously enter back into the MR. If you feel a real sense of commitment from your W to working things out, you can find a solution-based therapist, and MWD lists several tips about finding the right therapist. Just to clarify, she only suggests attending MC after both spouses are committed to working through the issues in the M.

So, I wouldn't worry about how to know if she's S in order to get your undivided attention. You still use the LRT whenever your spouse separates from you.