Married couple from Scandinavia

[DnJ]

Hello Ben

Last week her sister visited us and we started talking about our situation. Her sister asked and my wife had no problems talking about it. To my surprise, she knows a lot about MLC now. She seems to have googled information and says she thinks this is MLC but she doesn´t know how to stop it. Is that normal?

Normal.

Hmmm. What is normal?

I am surprised as well that your W has googled and found MLC, and thinks she is going through it. That is not the typical running that most MLCers exhibit.

If you recall:

To me it doesn’t look like, or feel like, a full blown midlife crisis. She is in some form of emotional turmoil, but far short of the inescapable irrationally driving need to destroy her life to get away. Well, at the moment.

Age 34 is rather young to have the pressure of mortality and life pressing down upon one to the breaking point. It is not unheard of to happen so young, just rare. Perhaps a more quarter life crisis is at play. This is more of a transition from 30’s to 40’s, the entering of one’s midlife.

No doubt your wife is having some second thoughts, feelings, desires, and such. The “having a baby”, the growing up required to face that, could stir up suppressed feelings and past unresolved events; which she needs to face and work through.

I do hope she is suffering more a transition than a crisis. However, that is beyond your control. Either of those paths are her’s and she requires the space and time to travel them. It is possible she is just entering the starting of MLC, the stage that we usually don’t see, the triggering part of all this.

Is she just in emotional turmoil?

Is she still pre bomb drop? And the true MLC is coming?

Or something else?

Ben, time will tell.

Let’s look at this by exploring an answer to your question.

We have the next MC 5 days from now. They also have a weekend therapy session where we would need to travel to another city. Would it be bad if I suggested trying that? Not sure how she would respond to it. There wouldn´t be any other couples there, just us. And there´s not much difference. Just longer sessions over 2 days instead of just 90 minutes a week.

You have only been at this DB for a few weeks. On Feb 23, you asked her and she told you about how she was feeling confused - a mini bomb drop.

Mid April you stumbled upon MLC and started wondering about this. May 5 was your first posting.

MC seems to be something she looks forward to. It seems to be helping, or she is just hiding her plans. For what it’s worth I think she is getting value out of the MC.

Would it be bad if you suggested a weekend therapy session?

It would be best if she suggested it.

However, a few observations to consider.

She is in some obvious emotional turmoil. She sees herself in MLC - that is a very big thing. Might not be a “true” full blown MLC - but it could be in her perception. So the very least she is having some emotional distress and she knows about it.

She needs time and space - not couples therapy. She needs therapy for herself. That doesn’t mean professional, I just mean self reflection, confiding, discussing, etc... That probably is not with you. An actual IC would be a good thing, if she wants to go. Again, no pressure.

You have been giving her time and space. She is showing positive signs. Do not get your expectations up, keep them at zero. Realize you may be overlooking some negative signs.

Her positive signs are encouraging. I know you two are living more like room mates right now, that’s ok. Her progress is small and in a good direction, so keep doing what you are doing.

These weekend sessions happen frequently, I am guessing on that but pretty sure. So, you need not push for this weekend or even the next. You have lots of time. This is not going to resolve quickly, do not push it. Let her set the pace.

Ben, to me, she is looking to see if you will accept her and what she is going through. She confided about MLC. She still watches TV with you, laughs, enjoys your company and humour. She is emotional confused and needs to figure it out. And wants to figure it out, that is really good.

She has mentioned to the therapist a few times that she wants to get out of this bubble and was hoping that by moving out, she might have a reality check and experience how it is to live alone.

I have an employee who became distant, angry, lost, and scared - he is a confident big guy so this was really strange for him and me.

Only a few months ago, he came to me, and confided about the problems he was having. Him and his wife had their first child 8 months ago. He was so panicked about this new life he was responsible for. Everything started unraveling for him...everything. Stories about his past, about a fire, about demons and family events from his youth - it was such a thing to witness. He knew something was wrong, he knew he wanted it to be different, he just didn’t know how. His solutions were becoming rather singular and involved him not being able to live like this, moving out was an idea. We talked a lot, he listened, and he got help in the form of IC. He had lost all confidence at work and at home; he had to go off work for six weeks, then back on light duties. He is back fully now and much better.

Your wife is looking for trust, understanding, and compassion. She hasn’t spun completely off the rails. She might, but at this moment she hasn’t. She needs and wants to figure herself out. She is walking her path. Keep supporting her.

Like my employee, your W might not need to follow through with her ideas of moving out if she can sort things out while at home.

So, would it be bad if you suggested weekend therapy?

Maybe, I don’t think she is ready for that yet. Focus on you. Let her set the pace she is comfortable with.

Ben, she is confused and still finding herself and not committed to the M. Therefore she is not fully in the M. That is how you need to approach this, and you are doing well. Continue to GAL, be a little mysterious, be friendly, talk, and accept being roommates for now.

Remember before you were married - dating. Her asking you to go to a movie (yesterday). That is a good thing. Go have fun with her. Go have fun without her.

Focus on you. Give this some time and see what happens.

DnJ