I'm beginning to understand what you're talking about, the whole stepping back and examining my faults and W's faults (and both have many).
It's hard to see your spouse with the rose colored glasses off. I'm starting to do it now, and it's an eye opener. It's easier (for me) to honestly look at myself and pick out faults to work on. I kinda enjoy that. To be honest, I feel more alive now than anytime I can remember. Truly is "Use the Time Wisely" moment, it IS a gift.
-SoloFlex
Navy Gulf War vet here too.
The Military mindset sometimes helps. It's been awhile but I'm bringing it back into service - discipline your mind. Train yourself to recognize when you are angry, sad, etc and live in it for the moment. Try to figure out where or what caused it, what the trigger was, and if there was a pattern from the past that repeated or reminded you of your emotion.Then let it go.
It takes practice to do this - dont beat yourself up if it doesnt work all the time. It doesnt always succeed even for me. But keep trying.
I have had very few bouts with anger in my R. Really. I have no anger toward my W for whatever reason. It boggles my mind and I've tried to figure out why. I think it is because she respected our original agreement when we first started seeing each other and that is to tell each other if either of us was feeling different.
Granted it was also very painful, and took half a year to drag it out of her but that was because I didnt understand what was going on and she was terrified to tell me, plus she still doesnt know why she feels the way she does. It was FUBAR but the situation was what it was and I cant change what happened.
Going forward, and this is just me - I have no anger because I realize I did and am doing everything I possibly can to make it work. There is peace of mind in that. I cant control what she does, or how she feels. Her emotions have overwhelmed her and it is VERY clear she cant even deal with that, let alone the R.
It's a constant struggle. Good days and bad ones.
Not sure why I wrote all that - hopefully some.of it helps.
